Tips for Pastors and Their Wives for Transitioning to a New Church

I couldn’t believe we were here. 

We’d flown in and out of Reagan Airport more times than I could count, but never with Arkansas as the destination. God had called us to take what I had considered some big leaps of faith to go places and do things I never felt comfortable with, but this was different. This was not on my radar or my wish list! This was a call to come out onto the water of the unknown. I kept asking myself, “How do two people from coastal northern California and the nation’s Capitol end up in Arkansas?” The answer: God does it. That’s how. 

As my husband Brad wrestled with the Lord through the decision to uproot our lives, again, from our ministry home of Capitol Hill Baptist Church that had begun there 15 years earlier, I waited. I said very little, as I knew this decision was huge.  

This was unusual for me, as I’m prone to speak my opinion freely with my husband. He encourages it, in fact, but this time was different. 

He needed to wrestle without me. 

I needed to let God work without my words butting in.  

And then it happened. Brad knew God was taking us to the Hog Nation! 

He made the decision, and we began packing up our home and lives, saying some very painful “see you later(s)” and preparing to transplant ourselves in four weeks.  

It’s been almost nine years since we made this move, but those feelings still feel fresh. We missed the familiarity of the life we knew. The cultural differences took time to adjust to and understand. We were lonely and felt unknown. Nobody replaces friendships overnight. It was really hard, but God was so good.  

There was a lot of change at once, but the biggest was transitioning to life as a senior pastor’s wife.  

I had been a ministry wife for years but never the wife of a lead pastor. A few of my friends – also pastors’ wives – told me, “This is different. You can’t prepare for this one. You just have to experience it.” Okay, I thought. That’s ominous. Was I supposed to be encouraged by those words or run for the hills yelling “uncle?”  

As the years have passed, I’ve come to understand what those friends were telling me. I would need the supernatural grace of God to trust and obey him. It’s a simple truth but not an easy one to live out.

So, practically speaking, what does that look like for a pastor and a pastor’s wife when they are in a season of transition? Here are a few reflections as I look back:

Husbands:

1. Your unwavering trust in the Lord preaches God’s character to those watching:

There are eyes on you. 

Your life is on stage. You’d better “watch your life and doctrine closely!” 

Lest that statement freak you out, remember who put you there and who will equip you there. The God of the universe sovereignly chose you to be His representative to these sheep, with wide eyes staring at you. Use this opportunity to reveal where true hope and security lies. Trust God’s goodness and power. “It doesn’t matter how long you have been telling others that God is God and God is good. You are still vulnerable to not believing that yourself.” (Ligon Duncan) Pray God gives you the kind of unwavering trust to move forward with the confidence that He has placed you in this pulpit for these people. That will speak volumes to your congregation and especially your family.

2. Your wife is (or should be!) your biggest ally:

What may not always be readily apparent to a pastor in transition is that your wife is your biggest support. 

Nobody knows and loves you like she does. She desires your success for the sake of God’s glory and your holiness above all else. 

She carries your burdens and sorrows and prays for you in a way others cannot. She sees things in your character and heart that you miss. She’s a means of grace God has given you to use for your growth and development. Don’t miss the opportunity for God to bless you through her. Stop frequently in those early days of transition and ask her what she sees in you during this unique time. 

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Prov. 27:17) Pastors, let your wives sharpen you, for an excellent wife is a crown to her husband (Proverbs 12:4).

3. Your wife and children are lonely, too. Don’t neglect them.

This may seem like a “no duh” statement, but it’s harder than it sounds. Ask my husband! No matter what the circumstances are for your transition into your new role, you’ll be tempted to pour all your love, time, and energy into your job and possibly hide behind the thought that it’s okay because it’s “kingdom work.”  Do not forget that caring for your wife and children is kingdom work, too.  These lonely people who belong to you are at home all day without the comforts of friends and routines while you are ministering to people and starting new friendships. You’re lonely, they’re lonely. Care for each other. Pray for them. Encourage them with the truth of scripture. These are going to be hard days, but they will pass. May you be used by God to let them pass with comfort and hope.

Wives:

1. Don’t make your husband play God

It’s often a wife’s temptation to look for too much from her husband, especially when things are difficult. 

As pastor’s wives, we may be further tempted to put an even heavier weight on our husbands, given that they are “pastors.” We may want them to play God and “fix” everything for us during this lonely transition. Don’t forget that the God of the universe placed you where you are, not your husband. You may have made the transition against your own personal desires and obediently followed your husband, but the Lord was the one who called you! Don’t forget that your husband is also transitioning. He’s lonely, too. Pray God gives you realistic expectations for your husband. Cheer him on, don’t bleed him dry with your needs! 

You might find yourself wondering whether your expectations are reasonable. That’s when you call that old friend who knows you both well. Lay it out there, and have ears to hear.

2. Remember God’s faithfulness:

Sure, the calling as a pastor’s wife is a calling of sacrifice, but it’s also a calling of blessing. We get a front-row seat to God’s work in the lives of others. Don’t forget how God has answered prayer after prayer right before your eyes. He won’t forget your labors and the sacrifices you’ve made. Recall His faithfulness often and remember the promise to “be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” (1 Cor.15:58)

3. Let the loneliness endear your heart to His:

Transition is a time of loneliness and longing. It’s a time when our souls ache for someone to understand who we are and how we think. 

Harness the gift this season holds, the gift to be alone with your first love. Jesus often sought periods of solitude with His Father. When your heart longs for conversation with someone who “knows” you, turn to the one who made you, knows you intimately, and has called you into this season by His good hand. He has brought you to His banqueting table, and His banner of you is love. (SS 2:4)

I’ve been an “Arkansan” for almost nine years now. What a wild thing to even type out. God’s plans continue to be so different, but they sure are better than our own. He is growing our trust and obedience every day. Fellow ministers of the gospel, don’t doubt Him. Entrust your soul to him as you wait patiently in this season of transition for Him to rescue you from your fears and lack of faith.  

©2024 Erin Wheeler. Used with permission.