Why Pastoral Friendships are Hard and What to Do about It

It may come as a surprise to most that pastors don’t have many meaningful friendships. Many pastors must leave dear friendships behind to follow a new call to ministry, leaving some very isolated and alone. But friends are a gift from the Lord and bring joy and perseverance through every area and season of life (Prov. 27:9-10,17:17, Eccl. 4:9-12).

The tragedy of the lack of friendship among pastors is that pastors are equipped and designed to have meaningful friendships with one another. They are called and trained to shepherd Christ-followers to live out their gospel identity in gospel community (Eph 2:14-22; Heb. 10:24-25). Therefore, pastors should be the first to live out this example in their lives and relationships.

The design for humanity was not to live in isolation but in community, as a distinct expression of what it means to bear the image of God himself (Gen 1:27; 2:18; I John. 4:12). It is in the context of the local church where we learn and grow together into Christlikeness for our joy and His glory (Eph. 4:25-32; Col. 3:1-17). Amid these relationships, a select few move from the general expressions of belonging to committed relationships. These meaningful friendships bring comfort, correction, and continuity to every area and season of life (Prov 18:24, 27:17). If you have true friends in your life, you are truly blessed (John 15:12-13). There is a sweetness to a friendship that moves beyond the general call to care to the specific application into the details of our lives that is undeniable and irreplaceable. One cannot be friends with everyone, but we all need to be a good friend to someone.

Six reasons friendships are hard for pastors

Why is it so hard for pastors to make and sustain friendships with other pastors within or outside their church community? The following are a few common reasons that might resonate:

1. Competition

Pastors are inherently competitive with other pastors. Pastors seem to have an advanced sense of insecurity that may be heightened around other pastors. The size of the church, book deals, and conference speaking engagements have a sense of identity attributed to them. We all understand that our identity is in Christ, but we also find a sense of validation if we have a more robust ministry than the pastor down the street. It takes humility not to be distracted by talking about the details of ministry comparison and practices and direct, real, honest conversation that builds friendship and unity.  

2. Fatigue

The work of pastoral care is working with people. This involves countless hours, every day, listening to and seeking to understand people in every walk of life. This is the pastor’s privilege and a blessed joy to bring the Word of God to light in people’s lives. A level of fatigue comes with working with people that can be taxing on a person. Adding another person into the circle of people a pastor is responsible for could be overwhelming. The fatigue is not simply in terms of time spent but also in the expectation of being a friend. Sometimes, the effort of vulnerability, history, explanation, and accountability can feel like another part of the job and not something that would be life-giving to a pastor.

3. Betrayal

Being taken advantage of is a vocational hazard in pastoral ministry. At times, it can feel like someone is disgruntled and/or disenfranchised every week. It is not uncommon to hear that people who are being cared for, in turn, hurt their caregivers. It is not unusual to have someone you care for take your well-intended efforts and not only reject but also weaponize your care for their ill-intended ends. This truth can cause pastors to be cautiously aware – knowing that when they are vulnerable, those with whom they share their lives might reject and/or rebel against them.

Steps toward developing friendships

These very real and difficult challenges can derail the most innocent of intentions to gain meaningful pastoral friendships. To those who are willing to navigate through these foundational challenges, here are some first steps toward developing those desired friendships among your pastoral staff or ministry:

1. Invest

One foundational way to begin is to invest in pastoral friendship. The pastor’s life is one of prioritized choices, and the journey toward meaningful friendship begins with intentionally developing them within the context of kingdom values. What are you going to invest your days doing? What will be most useful towards kingdom advancement? The priorities of spiritual development, family, health, and finances need strategic and thoughtful investment. Pastoral friendship is the same. It takes thoughtful, meaningful effort and consistency to develop friendships. It begins by identifying who you want to invest in. Consider your pastoral team, associations, and local churches to determine who in those circles you might be able to have a meaningful friendship with, then commit to investing in them. The scope of the investment will be refined over time, but commitment and consistent investment need to be present.

2. Share

Shared experiences are like dog years in the development of friendships. There are so many different experiences that create a context to know others and to be known. These can involve adventure, like fishing or backpacking, or be vocational, like attending the same conference or seminar and everything in between. Friendship doesn’t always need to begin by having coffee or lunch. Sharing common experiences can reveal a common outlook on life that can be enriched over time. Families can be a great context for shared experiences. What experiences does your family enjoy that you can invite another pastoral family to join in with? Friendship is born out of shared experiences and strengthened as far as the whole family is involved. Sharing experiences is never about the activity but what the activity can bring to developing relationships. The experience is the context to share a story and life perspective with others.

3. Ask

There is a threshold that every relationship must cross to experience true friendship. Asking for help. The essence of friendship is the identification of companionship with a common goal. Pastors have the calling and capacity toward the common goal of making Christ known. Developing true friendship requires a willingness to ask one another for insight, prayer, assistance, correction, and care. Mutual dependence fortifies the journey that begins with intentionality and shared experience. The pastorate can be a lonely place. Looking to the congregation for help in areas they are only beginning to understand can be difficult. Pastoral friendship benefits from a context and capacity to understand the dynamics of being a pastor who could be best equipped to provide companionship to burden-bear, unlike few others in life and ministry.

God did not create life and ministry for us to experience in isolation. So why do we tend to live like they were? We chose to believe the lie that it’s easier to do life and ministry alone, on our own strength. But, the demands of pastoral life are unsustainable without meaningful pastoral friendship. To learn more about the dynamics of pastoral friendship, I would recommend reading the following: Lead: 12 Gospel Principles for Leadership in the Church by Paul Tripp and Pastoral Friendship: The Forgotten Piece to a Persevering Ministry by Haykin, Croft, and Carroll. This exploration of the calling, challenges, and contexts of experiencing pastoral friendship will promote honest reflection on your current pastoral relationships and inspire you to reconsider their place in your heart for God’s glory and your joy.

©2023 Joe Keller. Used with permission.