Conflict! God is Up to Something Good

As a young pastor, I thought everyone would love me if I did what I was supposed to do to oversee the flock. Naively, I thought that was all that was necessary.

God called me to ministry, and I took my calling seriously. Preach expository messages—check. Visit people early in the morning before surgery—check. See the hospitalized frequently throughout the week—check. Make regular visits to nursing homes, faithfully plan services, and do weddings and funerals. I was meticulous about promoting missions and about caring for my family. I thought everyone would love me because I did my duties.

But—and it’s a big but—I started receiving anonymous letters telling me to resign and that I was incompetent. My journey of rafting the whitewater of church conflict had begun. In addition, the church board told me that “a group” was complaining. This started a series of events that led to a year of anguished, late-night board meetings, extensive congregational meetings, many private conversations, votes of confidence by the congregation, hiring a mediator, and eventual resignation from exhaustion (even though a majority of the congregation voted for us to stay).

I should have known better than to think everyone would love me even if I did everything right. After all, not everyone loved Jesus, and He certainly did everything right! In addition, my father before me was a hardworking pastor with a reputation for loving people and preaching God’s word, but he had a significant history of conflict. This included the denomination suing him and 29 other pastors for taking a stand against doctrinal compromise. I have vivid memories of my father lying on the couch as I wondered if he was having a heart attack.

Upon entering ministry, my theology was deficient. I should have entered ministry fully aware that “if relational conflict can happen to Jesus, it certainly can happen to you, Baker.” I should have realized that conflict is inevitable because of Genesis 3. My seminary training was also deficient. No one taught me how to handle inevitable conflict in my soul, shepherd my family during these times, or, procedurally, the congregation. I should also have realized that if my father had conflict in his ministry, this just goes with the turf.

This event in my early 30’s was life-shaping. I now believe that the Lord was up to something good. I can look back and see how He was changing me and writing a story. Allow me to explain some of the biblical principles that the Lord has used to help me grow and now, as part of His story, help me counsel others in conflict.

Nothing Comes into My Life Unless It Comes through the Hand of God First (Romans 11:36)

One of the most significant things I learned was to accept that conflict was not a mistake in my life but that the Lord was in it. Scripture is clear that nothing comes into my life unless it comes through the hand of God first. Paul makes this very clear in Romans 11:36: “For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.” This has become my favorite verse in Scripture. The words “from him,” “through him,” and “to him” are packed with significant theology! I hope you will mediate on the implications. Maybe even journal about them.

There is nothing in my life over which God is not sovereign. This was true of the story of Joseph and his astonishing acknowledgment that “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good” (Gen. 50:20) This was also true of our Lord who came to earth in “the fullness of time” because of the sovereign plan of His Father (Gal. 4:4-5). It has helped me immensely when going through a conflict to remember God is in it; it has come through His hand into my life.

He Is Growing Me, and It Is Good

During that early time of conflict, the Lord grew me in significant ways and has grown me through conflict in many ways since. He taught me how to love difficult people. He taught me how to forgive and not be bitter. I was toughened up as a pastor because I still had to preach each Sunday. At the height of the conflict, I knew I was preaching to a congregation where a group was trying to get rid of me and had written anonymous letters to me. I had to faithfully prepare to teach them out of love despite the tension in the congregation and my soul. In a future article, I will cover how the Lord used this for good to show me my idol of man’s approval or the fear of man and help me begin to kill it (see Proverbs 29:25).

Romans 8:28-29 is true. Set in a context of significant suffering (Nero was already Emperor), Paul writes, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those who he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, [emphasis added] in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.” Please read this whole section (verses 18-39) to see how much Paul discusses suffering and the hope we have amidst it.

Joni Eareckson Tada (an expert on suffering) has wisely said, “God allows what He hates to accomplish what He loves.” What does the Father love? He loves His Son and wants us to be like Him, so He does laser surgery on us. He targets specific areas where we need to grow in Christ’s likeness through laser-like, precise trials.

During my time of anguish, I heard a story about the famous missionary pilot Nate Saint. One time, he was doing maintenance on his plane and had taken the engine apart. The pieces were on the ground. One of the native Ecuadoreans was disturbed that Nate had broken the plane because he knew its importance. Nate explained that he was making it better by taking the pieces apart and then putting them back together. He then drew the analogy that God must break things sometimes to make them stronger.

Is it good that I had to love difficult people? Absolutely!

Is it good that I had to learn endurance and preach despite standing before difficult people? Absolutely!

Was it good that the Lord taught me to be more concerned about His opinion and have a more realistic perspective on other humans? Looking back, I am thankful He loved me enough to show me this.

Have I become better at managing conflict and leading others during conflict? I think so.

Where Are We Headed?

My whitewater journey of dealing with church conflict, both initially and in numerous circumstances since, has led me to study this subject in detail and pursue training as a mediator. The journey has led me to write and teach conflict resolution principles around the world and lead numerous mediations where I’ve had the amazing privilege of seeing people reconciled. I now get to be the outfitter to help other rafters equip themselves for their journey. I remember saying to my wife back during that initial conflict, “If God can use this horrible pain for me to help others, I will be thankful.”

I don’t know your story of conflict, but I do know that God is up to something good. I will share what the Lord has taught me as we explore how to care for your own soul and your family during conflict. We will also answer the question, “How do you know if it is time to call in outside help?” In addition, God’s word will help you look at your own heart and what you serve in times of relational tension (Matthew 12:34-35). Lastly, I will explain some biblical principles and procedures to guide yourself and the congregation through times of conflict.

May the Lord use this series to strengthen you and help you as you navigate the white water of conflict.

©2024 Ernie Baker. Used with permission.