Pastors Struggle with Bitterness, Too

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

In 2005, I found myself struggling with bitterness. It began shortly after we went under contract on a big farmhouse in the country. After spending five years renovating our first house, it had become obvious that we had outgrown it. Five daughters were sharing one bedroom, and it was time to look for something that would be a better fit for our large family. We began searching for a few acres for our seven kids to roam. It didn’t matter how much work the house needed; we just wanted space. We sold our fully remodeled home and signed a contract on a large, dilapidated house on seven acres only ten minutes from our church.

Since the farmhouse was an income property for its owners, they told us they needed an extra month to find another place to put their investment capital to avoid taxes. “In the meantime,” they said, “go ahead and close on the sale of your current house and move in.” The owners were professing Christians, so we took them at their word. But as time passed, they repeatedly informed us they had not yet heard the voice of Jesus telling them to close the sale, but they were sure they would hear soon. We believed and hoped for the best.

Some of our new neighbors began reaching out with careful inquiry. “We should close any day now,” we said optimistically as they smiled and offered sympathetic words. We were confused, especially when we learned that the owners strung the previous purchaser-turned-tenant along for 10 years. After five months of waiting, we hired an attorney to draft a letter to the sellers insisting that they set an official closing date, but they ignored the letter.

Eventually, we fully awoke to the nightmare before us. We had been swindled. Also, since we were naive and ignorant that a signed real estate contract could fall through, we made other financial decisions based on the purchase-plus-renovation package our credit union had put together. In short, we were worse than broke. This situation had wrecked our plans, and our ability to purchase another home was slim.

Once the dust settled, I started to become resentful. Anger against the sellers was justified. They’re crooks and liars! Worst of all, they did this to us while mentioning the name of Jesus in every other sentence! My anger started out righteous—they were wrong and treated us unfairly—but it went downhill from there. I was also angry at myself. “I’m a total idiot,” I thought. Not only did I make an unwise decision that would affect my family for years to come, but I was also a failure. I deserve this. What a loser!

Deep down and unbeknownst to me, I was also angry at God. He should have kept this from happening to my family. I knew from Scripture that I wasn’t in a good place and couldn’t stay like this, but I didn’t understand that my anger fed a distrust of God. I did not trust him with my family, future, or feelings. I didn’t know how to talk to the Lord about this injustice.

As a pastor, I frequently counseled others to hope in God and preached sermons on his sovereignty, but I was having a hard time applying it to my situation. I had not yet learned from personal experience the truth of what Jerry Bridges expresses so well: “Bitterness arises in our hearts when we do not trust in the sovereign rule of God in our lives.”

Bitterness grows and festers

It’s only natural to bristle against mistreatment or unjust circumstances. An array of emotions—anger, frustration, or the like—will surely rise to the surface when someone sins against us, or circumstances don’t pan out the way they should. But when does our response slide from recognition of wrong to bitterness? Bridges again helps us by giving the following understanding of bitterness: “[It] is resentment that has grown into a feeling of ongoing animosity. Whereas resentment may dissipate over time, bitterness continues to grow and fester, developing an even higher degree of ill will.” This was certainly true in my case. Bitterness was growing, and the garden of my heart was producing thorns.

Perhaps you can relate to one or more parts of my story. Perhaps not. Regardless, we are all tempted to become bitter about the painful trials we go through or against people who mistreat us—whether intentional or not. What does bitterness look like in your life?

(Editor’s note: for more on this topic, read Trusting God, by Jerry Bridges, available in the Focus on the Family online store).

Two sides of bitterness

The Bible reveals two categories of bitterness. The first explains the bitterness of hard life experiences, while the second exposes bitter responses to difficulties and the wrongs committed against us. We see the bitterness of life in the Book of Ruth as Naomi adjusts to massive sorrows and permanent life changes and learns to trust her good and sovereign Lord. Scripture also provides examples of bitter responses to affliction and exhorts us to put them away and put the graces of kindness and forgiveness in their place (Eph. 4:26-32).

Warnings against sinful anger

In the Bible, the heart is the always-active, ever-worshipping, always-wanting-something control center of our lives. Therefore, when something or someone gets in the way of our desires and expectations, we are tempted to respond in anger.

Then, if we allow anger to linger, we grow bitter, which hurts us and others.

In Ephesians, the Spirit warns against this response by reminding us of who we are as believers in Christ (Ephesians 4:1–24). In Christ, you are dead to sin and alive to God because the Holy Spirit caused you to be born again by the power of the life-giving gospel. Therefore, you now have a secure standing before God and the indwelling Spirit to empower you to put off sinful ways and walk in the righteousness and freedom of Christ. 

Are you struggling to let go of bitterness?

Remember that God shows how deeply he loves you by sending his Son to save you (Romans 5:8). Realize how much Jesus wants to help you walk in the freedom that he purchased, and be encouraged that the Spirit is praying for you (Romans 8:26). He who endured the greatest injustice of all—being punished for sins he did not commit—is also the One who left an example of how to respond when we are treated unfairly. “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23). By handing over our injustices to the Judge of Heaven, we can let go of bitterness and walk in the newness of life. Will you entrust yourself and your hurts to the Lord who delights in you (Psalm 18:19)?

*I adapted this article from my newest minibook, Bitterness: When You Can’t Move On.

©2023 Paul Tautges. Used with permission.