“When and How Pastor’s Should Say No”

Focus in ministry demands that we inevitably must say no to some requests.

But it’s just so hard!

I can think of many times someone has asked me to do something, and every fiber of my being cried out, “Say no. This isn’t a priority. You don’t have time.” But then I’d hear myself eagerly answering, “Yes, I can help with that!” I would unwisely say yes and then live to regret it.

Saying no in ministry is difficult. Our job is serving, and we feel the pressure not to disappoint people. But if we say yes to everything, at some point, we hit a limit on our time, energy, or focus.

So how do we decide when to say no, and how can we do it in a way that best aids the people we’ve been called to serve?

When We Must Say No

Three situations may require you to say no. Let’s start with the most obvious and then progress to the more challenging ones.

First, you must say no when a request would require you to sin or would aid and abet sin in another. This rule admits no exceptions. Regardless whom the request comes from, how much they give, or how poorly your decision might be received if saying “yes” requires sin, you say with Peter, “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). These decisions are, hopefully, the easy ones. But the waters get murkier with the second type of situation.

Second, you must say no when a request conflicts with God’s priorities for your ministry. Clarity about priorities led the leaders of the brimming Jerusalem church to say no to administrating the food distribution to the widows (Acts 6:2–4). They said no to say yes to the priorities of preaching the word and prayer.

Because we are finite, every yes is a no to something else. Someone may want to start a new initiative that will consume church resources and staff time, or another request might incur administrative overhead that could be better invested elsewhere. We must acknowledge that every request has an opportunity cost, and we should approach each decision with our eyes open to those trade-offs, especially when they interfere with our priorities. When faced with a difficult decision, one helpful test is to ask yourself, “By saying yes to this request, what will I be saying no to?”

Third, and this applies primarily to personal requests of your time, you must say no when a request conflicts with your ability to be faithful to all the Lord has given you to steward. In addition to our ministries, God has also called us to steward the whole of our lives (e.g., our bodies, finances, and households). Though perfect balance is impossible, we must be cautious of developing permanent patterns of neglecting some responsibilities in favor of others. Seasons of imbalance are unavoidable, but where possible, requests we know will lead to long-term imbalance should be given extra scrutiny before you accept them.

It’s one thing to recognize that you should say no to something, but it’s another thing to deliver the bad news.

How to Say No

Charles Spurgeon wrote, “Learn to say no; it will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.” Let me suggest five tips that can aid you in the skill of saying no.

First, pray for wisdom. The jig is up, guys. Everyone knows that when you say, “Let me pray about it,” that just means you’re going to come back with a no later. So, let’s save everyone some time; when we know the answer is no, let’s say it right away. But for those decisions we genuinely aren’t sure about, let’s pause to ask for divine wisdom (see James 1:5). Better yet, why not pray for this wisdom in the moment with the person making the request?

Second, give reasons, not excuses. In the West, most of us think busyness is the only valid reason to say no to something. But remember how, back in Acts 6:2, when the disciples said no, they appealed not to busyness but priority? Use your no as an opportunity to explain the priorities of the ministry. This turns a decline into discipleship. By giving the reason and not just an excuse, you are conducting yourself with integrity and teaching your requester the ministry’s priorities.

Third, schedule your priorities. Busyness is a valid excuse when you are busy with your priorities. Don’t just put your appointments on your calendar; block out time for your priorities. It’s effortless to say yes to a meeting when your calendar says you aren’t busy. But when you don’t also schedule your priorities, you may inadvertently usurp the only time you had that week to work on message prep, admin, or planning. It also makes it easier to simply say, “No, I can’t meet then; that’s during my message prep time.”

Fourth, give grace in how you give your no. Paul writes in Colossians 4:6, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Our speech should always have the quality of winsomeness, which is what “gracious” means in this context. And an extra pinch of salt is a great way to take some bitterness out of “no.”

Fifth, provide alternatives, if possible. The apostles determined that though they should not be responsible for the food distribution, they could appoint people to assist in this task (see Acts 6:3). Be cautious here; however, sometimes we might be tempted to delegate something that should be a no. Don’t delegate it if it isn’t a priority for the ministry. Deal with it right then and there with a gracious no.

©2024 Reagan Rose. Used with permission.