Your Second Greatest Ally against Pornography – Your Wife

No one fights porn alone. Your single greatest ally in your fight against pornography is Jesus. The friends you ask to come alongside you in the fight are tertiary allies. So, who is your second greatest ally in your war against porn? Your wife! This is easy to say (or type) but much harder to live out, so let me help you get a picture of how this is possible.

At some point, before or after you read this, read 1 Samuel 25. In that chapter, we find an incredible story that offers insights into many areas of life, including your fight with porn. 1 Samuel 25 recounts the tale of Nabal, Abigail, and David. To summarize the implication of this blog, you find a woman willing and able to stand in the gap for her family by speaking truth to the men in her life. One of these men, Nabal, her husband, refuses to listen to her counsel. The other man, David, listens to her counsel and avoids the horrific, life-altering sin of murdering Nabal, Abigail, and their entire family for selfish reasons. Abigail wisely and tactfully confronted David and the sinful heart driving him to destroy (vv. 26, 28, 31). Read David’s amazing response to this wise woman in verses 32–33: “And David said to Abigail, ‘Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me! Blessed be your discretion, and blessed be you, who have kept me this day from bloodguilt and from avenging myself with my own hand!’”

Abigail’s wise intervention

Abigail’s confrontation with David did not upset him, did not invoke retaliation from him, nor did it cause him to cower back in feelings of self-doubt or shame. Instead, David repented of his sinful intentions, praised God for delivering him from sin by sending Abigail, and thanked Abigail for her wise intervention. David regarded Abigail so highly that when Nabal died shortly thereafter, David asked her to be his wife.

David wanted a woman by his side who would confront him when he was acting foolishly or stepping out of line with God’s will.

See your wife as potential ally

I don’t know where you are concerning the idea that your wife can be one of your most important allies. Perhaps you are fully on board because you have a great, honest relationship with your wife. You appreciate and invite her accountability, aid, and insights into your struggle with porn. If so, fantastic! More than likely, that description is not where you are, but I want to hold it out there as a real possibility of where your journey can take you. Most of us who struggle with porn find it challenging to invite our wives into the process and maintain a loving, gracious relationship as we walk in repentance and she walks in forgiveness. In all likelihood, right now, you are somewhere between still hiding your sin from your wife and viewing her as the purity police who is constantly patrolling and prying into your private life. Even worse, you may see her as the enemy who needs to be kept at bay. So, how do you get from where you are to where you should be?

Bring her into you battle

Resolve in your heart to love your wife and enlist her as your ally in this fight. The reality is that she is more vested in your transformation than any other human walking on the planet. She has more to lose than anyone else if you fall back into pornography, and she has more to gain as you grow. She also has more contact with you than anyone else, so she can be more alert to temptation and trouble from without and within you. She can also be more aware of the growth and change in you and can be your greatest supporter and co-celebrator as you continue down this path together.

Becoming allies in this fight will likely take a serious shift of thinking on both your parts. I mentioned above the tendency and temptation for wives to become purity police toward their husbands. You can probably relate to this feeling. Most couples hurt by pornography fall into this pattern at some point, and it makes the relationship adversarial. Wives turn into detectives trying to uncover and prosecute secret sins. Husbands are then tempted to take on the role of a master criminal, seeking to outwit the detective with new ways of pulling off the crime without getting caught. What couples need is a shift from perceiving one another as adversaries to seeing each other as allies.

Your spouse is not your enemy

Because pornography use hurts your spouse, it can be easy for her to see you as the enemy, and then you respond in kind.

But neither of you is the enemy. Sin is the enemy, and you can work together to battle it

When you come to understand your relationship this way, then you will grow in your willingness and desire to have your wife help you in the fight. You go from fighting one another to fighting sin together. Her questions about your struggle are no longer seen as interrogations but as loving concern. Her steps to help you fight are not seen as punitive but loving.

Understand your role and take the lead

Of course, the relationship will work best if both of you understand your roles in this way, but don’t wait for your wife to change her perspective. Take the lead in this.

Ask God to help you see your wife as a gift, a co-laborer, an ally in the fight.

Then, tell your wife about this shift in your thinking. Tell her you don’t want to see her as an enemy but instead as an ally. Tell her that you appreciate and desire her help in this fight. It might take her (and you) some time to come around to the idea, but your relationship on this matter won’t change if you don’t start changing. As you move forward, remind yourself when she asks about your struggle that it is for your good. When she follows up about an accountability relationship, remind yourself that she is doing this to fight something you want to fight as well.

The specific ways a wife will provide accountability vary from couple to couple. You will need help determining the best plan for you and your wife. I recommend enlisting a biblical counselor or mentor couple to help the two of you devise a solid transformation plan that outlines the roles and responsibilities you will each take to fight this battle. Once you come up with a plan, be sure to write it down. Share this plan with others that you have recruited into the fight as well.

So what’s it going to be? Are you going to be a fool, like Nabal, refusing to listen to the counsel of anyone—including your wife? Or will you be like David and repent, praise God, and embrace the caring confrontation of those who love you and want your life to be transformed?

©2023 Curtis Solomon. Used with permission.