Faithful Pastors Must Prioritize Their Marriages

Being a pastor is a strange occupation – we are expected not merely to do certain tasks for the church but also to be a certain kind of person. In that light, it is important to reflect on the reality that a pastor’s marriage is an important factor in the fruitfulness and happiness of his ministry. If a pastor and his wife do not enjoy a close and healthy relationship, his service to the church will be significantly weakened. In some cases, problems in a pastor’s marriage may be why he is unable to continue in his work. Think about what the Bible tells us about ministry and marriage:

1. Marriage is a picture of the gospel. A husband’s sacrificial love and a wife’s respectful submission aren’t just ideas the apostle Paul made up; they are God-ordained displays of the relationship between the Lord Jesus and his church (Ephesians 5:22-33). A pastor’s marriage is meant to reinforce and give plausibility to the gospel message that he preaches. Conflict, hostility, or even indifference in the marriage undermines the message.
2. A healthy marriage is part of the Bible’s job description for those who hold the office of pastor (or elder/overseer). In I Timothy 3, Paul writes that an overseer must be faithful to one woman (v 2) and manage his household well (v 4). The home (marriage and children) is a proving ground where a man demonstrates his ability to lead and guide people into spiritual health. If a man cannot live happily and peacefully with his wife, then he shouldn’t be leading the family of God.
3. Pastoral ministry requires us to set a good example for the church. The apostle Peter urges shepherds to be “examples to the flock” (I Peter 5:3). Our churches need pastors worthy of emulation when it comes to the way they love, care for, and pursue their wives. If there is little affection, romance, and trust between a pastor and his wife, it will rob the church of the faithful model the Lord intends for it. 
4. Married pastors need their wives. A wife is a great gift to a man seeking to serve the Lord through vocational ministry. A faithful wife will help her husband (Genesis 2:18) share the load of service to the church and family in many practical, spiritual, and relational ways. Neglecting such a wonderful source of aid and comfort is shortsighted and often catastrophic.

Why a Pastor Might Neglect His Marriage

Despite those realities, many pastors are tempted to neglect their marriages, investing more time in attracting visitors and creating ministries for the church than cultivating romance and relational intimacy with their wives. While it’s unlikely that anyone consciously sets out to do such a thing, we may be able to identify a few reasons why a pastor might neglect his marriage: 

1. Fear of man. It can be easy for a pastor to prioritize the needs of the church at the expense of his marriage. After all, his wife is probably the person in his life most disposed to be on his side and forgive a bit of neglect. But the church is not always so gracious. If visitors don’t return, people leave because they don’t feel cared for, or long-time members complain about the preaching, it can make Sundays feel like a weekly, public job performance review. There is a temptation to care more about what people in the church think than how your wife feels about your care for her. 
2. Unaddressed sin. Pastors (like everyone else) are sinners, and their marriages can suffer from the sinful anger, selfishness, pride, or indifference that marks other marriages in the church. There can also be special pressure on ministry couples to hide or minimize the way the sin in their lives impacts their relationship. Many churches lack the maturity and leadership needed to handle a pastor who comes forward to deal with problems in his marriage. This can make a pastor and his wife feel isolated and hopeless; the longer the problem persists, the more difficult it becomes.
3. Avoiding painful realities. Many marriages (pastoral or not) suffer from hurt feelings, resentments, and grievances accumulated over the years. While things might be friendly and cordial on a day-to-day basis, those long-standing issues can make it difficult for couples to be vulnerable and pursue intimacy (physical and emotional) with one another. Since some pastors are better at dealing with the church than they are at dealing with their wives, they pour themselves completely into ministry, especially if it seems to be going well and bearing fruit. The love and affirmation of church members can become a kind of stand-in for what he is supposed to be getting at home.  

To be a faithful pastor, you must prioritize your marriage. This means pursuing romance and intimacy with your wife, even if it comes (in some short-term and provisional way) at the expense of your service to the church. But any growth in the church that comes at the expense of your God-given responsibility to love your wife as Christ loved the church is not the kind of growth you want. So, consider setting aside time for a date night and ask your wife if she feels like (after the Lord) she is your No. 1 priority. Ask her if there are any unaddressed issues between you and if there are ways you can be more intentional about caring for her. Your wife, children, and church all need you to invest in your marriage.

©2024 Michael McKinley. Used with permission.