How the Church Can Support Adoptive Families

Seventeen years ago, I gathered with women from my church to pray for two families preparing for international adoption. We celebrated how these members were living out God’s heart for the fatherless by welcoming orphans into their homes (Psalm 68:5-6), despite concerns and fears surrounding the many unknowns. Something sacred was happening, and we wanted to be part of it.

These families weren’t the first in our church to adopt, and since then, countless more have fostered and adopted; however, the Lord used that evening to show me the instrumental role a church family can play in adoption. From prayer and financial help to trauma counseling and meals, there are many ways for pastors and churches to support adoptive families.

Adoption is community work

The Church exists for Christ’s glory, and along with gospel expansion and making disciples (Matt. 28:19-20), this involves building an ethic of care and mercy (Matt. 25:31-40). Nevertheless, mercy ministries like adoption don’t stand alone. A church is a community of believers, and done well, adoption is community work. Paul tells us, “For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ” (1 Cor. 12:12). We truly need each other (1 Cor. 12:21), and linking arms with adoptive families is a beautiful thing.

At the same time, if “one member suffers, all suffer together” (1 Cor. 12:26), and at its core, adoption is a call to suffer. Whether we’re talking about foster care, domestic adoption, or international adoption, we’re inviting brokenness into our homes and churches. If we’re going to support these families, we need to acknowledge this suffering and be realistic about counting the cost.

Inviting brokenness

It’s a good thing to affirm the value of human life and verbalize support for adoption. Preaching and extending biblical charity in a way that adoption and other mercy ministries are at home in churches, however, involves commitment and sacrifice. As a pastor, my husband Scott has seen this up close and says, “You’re entering into something blessed and biblical, but there’s brokenness entailed in it.”

Part of counting the cost of supporting these families is recognizing that church will look and feel different. Saying yes to foster care and adoption is saying yes to special needs, recognizing there will be behavioral issues, and working through trauma. It requires care, patience, and extra vigilance in children’s ministry, and it brings extra counseling hours as pastors care for adoptive parents and their children. In some situations, coming alongside these families can even financially stress a church.

Does supporting adoptive families bring real costs? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Despite the sacrifices entailed, adoption is a living picture of the gospel. We ourselves have “received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’” (Rom. 8:15). What’s more, when we bring “the least of these” into our homes and churches, we serve Christ and anticipate his eternal reward (Matt. 25:40). Creating a welcoming space where these families can flourish is a privilege.

Prepare for the long haul

My friend and church member Jessica says it was a pastor’s sermon on the Good Samaritan that the Lord used to open her heart to foster and then adopt her daughter. So pastors, when you preach about caring for the lost, be prepared to help them for the long haul when they arrive at your door.

Michelle (another foster and adoptive mom at our church) says, “Chances are, heart-breaking circumstances have led to this. Adoption gives a child a forever home, but [it] also is because another family is torn apart. The trials of adoption don’t end in court. Children who’ve been adopted have trauma. Children often have medical/psychological issues that require ongoing appointments and therapies.”

Another church member adds, “The very nature of adoption is rooted in loss. For an international adoptee, there is the loss of their native language, loss of familiar smells and foods, loss of culture, and, of course, the most significant, the loss of their first family. The grief experienced by our children has taken years to work through.”

Serving these families is a privilege, but for pastors and churches, sometimes it means showing up, again and again, over years.

Ten practical ideas 

How do we do this? Prayer is a good place to start. One adoptive mom shared this with me:

“I had a small core of friends I’d text when we were in the midst of crisis to pray for us. Truly, I pictured my arms being lifted up through their prayers (Ex. 17:12) when I was too numb and exhausted to process and pray. It was such a means of grace to our family to have these ladies lifting us before the throne of grace in our time of need.”

Showing up for foster and adoptive families often begins with prayer, but it doesn’t stop there. There are many practical ways for pastors and church members to get involved. Here are ten:

1. Throw a party and collect diapers, clothes, and other items for families preparing to foster or adopt.
2. Make your church building available for foster and adoptive support groups.
3. Prepare freezer meals to give to families when they receive a new foster child or adopt. (One friend shared that her children were severely malnourished when they arrived, and it was “a blessing to have ready-made meals to choose from” in her freezer when they woke up hungry in the middle of the night.)
4. Sponsor a yard sale. Members donate items, and all funds raised go to offset adoptive costs.
5. Create a church adoption fund to defray costs for church families looking to adopt. (For a denomination, this can be at the local and/or regional level.)
6. If you announce births in your church, be sure also to announce adoptions.
7. Think creatively about what will help a particular family. Maybe it’s a thoughtful adoption gift, like a rice cooker for a family whose children are accustomed to eating rice every day. It could be hair care, showing up with hair products, and braiding a child’s hair. One mom told me she “found the process of caring for and braiding [her daughter’s hair] very daunting as it’s incredibly time-consuming.”
8. In your children’s ministry training, prepare teachers to welcome foster and adoptive children who are in transition and might be new to church altogether. Use the language of “caretaker,” “guardian,” “adult who loves you,” and not just “mom or dad.”
9. Task a staff member to check in with these families regularly. One adoptive mom says, “Just as any family with special needs, issues can be ongoing, and needs can be hidden unless someone specifically asks.”
10. Offer to babysit for siblings while parents attend appointments (often many) with their foster and adoptive children.

Finally, Michelle says it’s helpful to “Recognize that adoptive parents are normal and not saints. Talk about adoption as a normal thing that perfectly normal, flawed, busy people can do.” Let’s do that, and let’s encourage our churches to come alongside these families.

©2023 Katie Faris. Used with permission.