Is It Okay for a Pastor’s Wife to Skip a Church Event?

Every spring, our church hosts a tea for the women. It’s a big deal, a highlight of our church calendar year. Men serve as butlers, and ladies sip tea from fine china and eat scones with real cream. It’s a wonderful opportunity to invite neighbors, co-workers, and family to hear the gospel in a welcoming, creatively-themed atmosphere. 

It’s a lovely event, but this year, even though I’m a pastor’s wife, I won’t be there. Is that okay?

As ministry wives, sometimes we can feel pressure to play a key role in organizing (let alone attending) every church event. This could be from our own expectations or someone else’s. It’s worth asking some questions and considering our hearts. 

What’s the Big Deal?

As a pastor’s wife, does it matter if I show up to church events or not? The short answer is yes, it does matter, especially if we’re talking about Sunday morning worship. God’s Word exhorts us “to meet together” and keep “encouraging one another” (Hebrews 10:25). A commitment to weekly worship matters for all believers.

Beyond that, what about small groups, women’s ministry, and other special events? If you or I were to disengage from our churches or be disinterested in gathering with God’s people on a regular basis, it would suggest that we value something else more highly than them, even more than our commitment to the Body of Christ. We would be suggesting by example that they have permission to do the same. 

On the other hand, our physical presence and participation in church events not only shows support for our men and their ministry work, but it communicates care for God’s people. Jesus is God incarnate, “God with us” (Matthew 1:23), and the ministry of our presence speaks volumes. Just showing up at a funeral says something about the love of God. When we engage church members, when we offer a listening ear, ask questions, or pray for them, we assure them that not only do we see and care about them, but so does the Lord.

What’s Going on in Our Hearts?

We also ought to ask, do expectations, others’ or our own, rule us? First, let’s address the expectations of others. While we ought to love our brothers and sisters in Christ (Romans 12:9-10 and 1 Corinthians 13), acting in ways that build and grow their faith, we should never be ruled by fear of man (see Proverbs 29:25). There may be a legitimate call for us to support women’s ministry, as this is often a real need that pastors’ wives help fill; however, when we do, we should serve with love for the Lord and according to our gifts, not because we’re afraid of disappointing a particular church member.  

What about our own expectations—the sense that we need to be everywhere and do everything? We can have unrealistic expectations for ourselves, ones that weigh heavily on our already-burdened shoulders. Truth is, only God is omnipresent and omnipotent, not us. It isn’t our responsibility to try to be what we were never meant to be; instead, we should acknowledge our limitations and always point others to Christ’s sufficiency (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

Remember Jesus’s words, “my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). When we’re already stretched thin, we can pray, “Lord, is this something you would have for me to do? If so, would you please multiply my capacity? And if not, please give me the rest I need to serve where I already know you are leading me.”

Once we work through expectations, it helps to be honest. Is a decision about showing up at a particular event really the main issue? Or is there a sin issue at play? Perhaps laziness or selfishness? If so, we need to repent and address it. 

Do We Have to Attend Every Event?

All things considered, there are good (even biblical) reasons not to attend every church event. Especially in a large church, where there’s always something happening, we just can’t physically do everything. What’s more, there may be seasons when family care needs, or even our own health, necessarily limit our participation in church activities. 

Before the Lord, we want to be faithful to “manage [our] households” (1 Timothy 5:14), whether that’s caring well for young children, family members with special needs, or elderly parents (1 Timothy 5:16). These things shouldn’t become excuses for disengaging from church life when engagement is doable, but they are biblical reasons to pull back for a season. 

As I said, I won’t be attending the women’s tea at my church this spring. There could be a number of reasons why not, and given the fact that there’s a vibrant women’s ministry team leading the event, and that I’m already invested in other church ministries right now, besides having my hands full at home, that’s okay. This time around, I won’t be there because I’ll be driving our oldest son home from his first year of college. By doing that, I’m releasing my husband to serve behind-the-scenes all weekend at church, along with some of our children. 

You see, as pastors’ wives, whether or not we show up at a particular event, we still have the opportunity to serve in one of the most important ways. It’s our privilege to release our men to serve their congregations. When we do this with joyful, willing hearts, it blesses our churches and honors the Lord (Colossians 3:17). 

©2025 Katie Faris. All rights reserved. Used with permission.