Keep the Big Rocks in Place to Balance Family and Ministry

Years ago, I saw an illustration about time management that deeply impacted how my wife Rose and I thought about keeping family and ministry properly balanced. The illustration involved two quart-sized jars, sand, and some rocks. One jar was filled with sand, and the other had three ping-pong ball-sized rocks. The speaker said he could pour the sand into the other same-sized jar with the rocks and make it fit. He proceeded to do so. As he poured the sand into the other jar with the rocks, I wondered how he would make it fit, but by shaking the jar gently, the sand filled in around the rocks, and it all fit! It was almost like magic. Try it sometime. This powerful illustration showed that you must have the big rocks in place first, or life will be filled with all the other stuff. 

My Background

We decided decades ago that there would be some big rocks that would be almost unmovable in our family so that we could endeavor to keep family and ministry in balance. These priorities were urgently important to me and our family because I was a pastor’s kid and knew what an out-of-balance home could be like. My father was an extremely hardworking, busy pastor; the only problem was that I grew up hardly ever spending time with him. In fact, I have few memories of him as a child. This resulted in a settled bitterness when I was a teenager. I hate to admit it, but I hated my father and rebelled against his authority. The Lord saved me at age 17, and one of the first things that changed in my life was my rebellion (even though the bitterness took a few years longer as I grew in sanctification). 

When it was clear that the Lord was leading us into ministry, Rose and I had some serious talks about how we would maintain balance. It was a struggle at first because I was tempted to find my chief identity in ministry, like my father. Through a series of events, including a serious talk with my employer, we settled on the four big rocks and some other rules we would endeavor to follow.

Biblically, this is significant because if I don’t know how to manage my home, I am not qualified to manage the Lord’s flock. If I lose my family, I can lose my ministry (see I Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9).

Here’s how I attempted to maintain balance (imperfectly) and also manage my family. I’ll start with the most fundamental “big rock.”

Family Worship

Biblically, discipling your children is a serious part of parenting. Having individual discipleship meetings with six children was difficult, so we decided on an (almost) daily family worship time as our primary discipleship tool. As individual needs came up with our children, we also spent individual time with them. 

There are many wonderful memories of singing together, doing Bible skits, reading books like Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ by John Piper and Pilgrim’s Progress by Bunyan and discussing controversial issues like abortion. The staples of this rock were singing, Bible reading, and prayer. And we had fun! Each of our children has written testimonies of how regular family worship time impacted them. I hope you try it to stay balanced between family and ministry and as a wonderful tool to disciple your children.

Evening Meal

The next big rock was a regular family meal. Rose and I still have the same 7-foot-long trestle table with benches, and it has so many memories! A lot of laughter, conversation, and prayer happened around that table.

It is fascinating how few families eat a meal together and how often Americans eat out. Maybe it was a blessing that my salary was so limited that we couldn’t afford to eat out. There are huge dividends to setting an expectation with your children to eat a meal together at home daily. We endeavored to guide the conversation during the meal to talk about what was happening in life, to play practical jokes on each other, and to laugh. As the children got older, they ate with friends from time to time, but generally, we maintained our commitment to this big rock.

Being honest, there were times when I was distracted by ministry as we sat around the table, and I would just stare out into oblivion. My kids would joke with me and say things like, “Earth to dad, over.” 

Weekly Dates

Just as important as our regular family meal was regular investment in our marriage through a weekly lunch together (yes, we also went on other dates). For many years, this regular lunchtime was at a Chinese restaurant where the manager came to know us and what we ordered. We would walk in, and he would ask, “Same thing?” And we would say yes. What wonderful memories of catching up on the week while we enjoyed cashew chicken together. During some of these years, some of the homeschoolers from church would come and watch our children for the afternoon. That way, Rose would have the rest of the afternoon off, and she could go shopping by herself.

Being Home for Bedtime

In some churches I pastored, I was on every committee by virtue of my office. Sometimes, I would be at committee meetings every evening of the week! Generally speaking, my commitment was to be at home when our children went to bed. What sweet memories we have of not only family worship but also tucking our children into bed and singing them a song based on Isaiah 26:3: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” The song says, “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee. Though the darkness comes, and shadows fall, He giveth perfect peace. Oh, He is the only perfect resting place. He giveth perfect peace. Thou wilt keep Him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.”

If I was in an evening meeting, I needed to graciously excuse myself when bedtime came. The one exception to this was the monthly church board meeting. This also meant that my people-pleasing heart needed to be dealt with as I put to death the fear of what others were thinking of me (Proverbs 29:25). 

Conclusion

We also did other things to keep family life focused and to fight against our children having a negative view of the church like I did growing up. One of my favorites is that my wife regularly talked to our children about being the “Baker ministry team” for church ministry. We tried to involve them as team members in many church activities. Maybe you have heard, “Children don’t learn by watching their parents serve; they learn by serving alongside them.”

There are other priorities to consider as big rocks — like protecting marital intimacy in the busyness of ministry, but that’s a whole topic by itself! The bottom line is that if you don’t determine the big rocks in life, the sand will fill up the jar, especially in a pastor’s home, and you won’t have time for your family. You may not choose the same big rocks as us, but family worship, meals together, a weekly date, and being at home for bedtime helped to keep our family stable and filled our lives with great memories.

©2024 Ernie Baker. Used with permission.