Loving Difficult People
Let’s be honest. Some people are hard to love. Unfortunately, from the stories I hear, it is often a spouse.
I recently had a wife tell me that being in bed with her husband was like being in bed with sandpaper. Why would ANYONE want to be close to a person like sandpaper?
Your difficult person may not be a spouse. They could be an extended family member or even someone in your church who “rubs you the wrong way.”
A model to follow
As we live our lives, we realize the realities of our fallen world in our difficult relationships. Scripture is realistic about this. As Paul writes, he applies biblical teaching to this very subject. In Ephesians 5, he writes, “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (ESV verses 1 and 2). Who are the “us” that Christ loved? Certainly not very loveable people (see 4:17-19)!
In these verses, our Lord dies on the cross for difficult people as an act of worship to the Father. We have a humbling model to follow.
Identifying the difficult people
Paul is writing to people in what must have been a tense situation. Roman citizens and Jews who had become converts were now in the same church in a Roman Colony named Ephesus (See 2: 12-18). Can you imagine the potential for conflict?
If you grew up in a Roman home, you would have learned to think of Jews as rabble-rousers. Jewish parents taught their children to think of the Romans as oppressors who suppressed their liberties. Now they were in church together! Paul is deeply concerned that they learn to get along in Christ (4:1-3).
Paul believed the ground at the cross is level, and the gospel of grace and mercy makes relationships work… even with difficult people!
Maybe you married someone from a different cultural background, or that person you have a hard time loving in your church doesn’t see things your way because of his family or church upbringing.
My wife and I come from very distinct backgrounds. My family is deeply rooted in American history. Two branches of my family have been in the country for almost 400 years, and another nearly 300!
My wife’s family, though, on both her mother’s and father’s side, has been in the U.S. since the early 1900s and is of Slavic origin, with all the ethnicity that comes with that (including special Christmas cookies from Czechoslovakia)! There were some rubs early in our marriage, especially with my mother-in-law. I wasn’t like them, and I wasn’t from their area.
In addition to the background of Ephesians, the book itself makes it clear who these difficult people are.
The people our Lord died for “Lived in the passions of … flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind.”
(2:3)
I counsel people who live carrying out the desires of their body and mind. These are not nice people to be around (see also 4:17-19)!
If we are going to love difficult people like this, we will need some deep motivation.
Motives for following the model
I am reminded of how important having a deeper motivation for loving difficult people is when I remember a specific counselee. I asked a wife to show love to her husband in specific ways throughout the week. She said, “I don’t love him, and you wouldn’t want me to be a hypocrite, would you? If I show him love, but I don’t feel it, I would be a hypocrite.” What would you say?
I asked her if she could love him as an act of love for her Lord in appreciation for the grace she had received in Christ. As people overwhelmed by grace, we give grace and forgiveness (see Matthew 18:33-35). How much has the grace you received moved you?
The bigger my sin looks to me, the smaller other’s sins against me look in comparison.
This reminds me of a quote, supposedly from Benjamin Franklin. He said, “Before marriage, keep your eyes wide open. But, after marriage, keep them half closed!” Why should I have a great degree of tolerance for my wife and others? Because I remember how much God, in Christ, tolerates me (see 4:2).
As beloved children
Paul gives some motivations right in the verses. First, if we are part of God’s family, there should be family characteristics. According to Ephesians, God has adopted you into His family (1:5). There should be family resemblances, so Paul says to be imitators of God as beloved children.
It may feel impossible to love this person who is like sandpaper. However, it is not. Because of the gospel, you are capable of supernatural acts of love and should be motivated to do so if you are truly in the family (see 3:20-21).
As a fragrant offering and sacrifice
Here is another motivation—the strongest, in my opinion. As our Lord hung on the cross, His sacrifice was a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. “Offering and sacrifice” is Old Testament worship language. In other words, Jesus is the sacrificial lamb who gave Himself for your wretchedness as an act of worship. He is asking you to do the same for the wretch in your life.
Be encouraged! God considers it an act of worship to Him each time you choose to love a difficult person like Christ did while hanging on the cross.
If you can’t love the person because of your affection for him, can you love out of your affectionate worship for the Lord?
Some practical ideas and perspective
You may be seeing the need to love the difficult person in your life, so here are some ideas for how to do it.
How about reading Matthew’s account of the crucifixion in chapter 27 daily for a few weeks and asking the Lord to melt your heart with what your Savior did for you on the cross?
List your five worst sins (maybe no one else knows about them) and thank the Lord for forgiving you (if you have asked for forgiveness). Then, ask yourself what it would be like if God treated you the way you are treating your difficult person (see Matthew 7:12).
One last thought: you are probably the difficult person to someone else.
Questions for reflection:
- What are some acts of love you could show your difficult person in fulfillment of these verses and Matthew 5:44-45?
- What are some other passages of scripture that tell us to love difficult people?
©2024 Ernie Baker. Used with permission.
About The Author

Ernie Baker
Ernie Baker has the privilege of serving the Lord at First Baptist Jacksonville as the Pastor of Counseling and Discipleship. He is the author of Marry Wisely, Marry Well.