Nurturing a Ministry Marriage
We love seeing an older couple holding hands, walking down the street together, or unabashedly kissing on a park bench, don’t we? And why is that? Because we know that kind of love doesn’t happen overnight. It took years of hard work and perseverance. It took intentional time and investment. All marriages require time and effort if they are going to grow and flourish.
However, for those of us in ministry, we know the enemy is gunning for our marriages. He knows if he can destroy our marriages, he will successfully obliterate the biblical image God’s given to represent his love for his bride, the church.
As ministry wives, we must do the hard and rewarding work of intentionally and sacrificially investing in our marriages as we image God’s love to the world through them. Here are four simple but often challenging ways to invest in making intentional time with your pastor husband.
Be Selfless
A fellow pastor friend once encouraged a group of us to study our spouses and then find ways to serve and surprise them. It seems like a pretty simple solution. The problem we will quickly discover is that we’re pretty selfish at the core. We prefer to invest in things that reward us in return.
We might even hide behind the various ways we serve others in the name of ministry while neglecting the one we covenanted for life. Working to give of ourselves for our spouses requires selflessness and sacrifice. Paul David Tripp said it well,
“It is when we love God more than we love ourselves and when we quit building our own little kingdom and start seeking his that we will love our spouse. When we really do love our husband or wife, we will be willing to do the hard work that such love requires.”1
Pray God grow your heart to be selfless as you seek to study and serve your spouse.
Be Available
It’s a broad generalization, but women tend to be more multifaceted than men. We love to juggle lots of plates. We can almost single-handedly keep our home running, clock some hours for our “paid” job, attend the school fundraiser, and help in the church nursery without batting an eye. If we’re not careful, all of our plate spinning can leave us in a deficit physically and emotionally. And this deficit often leaves us little to invest in our spouse.
Take time to stop and pray over your schedule. Ask God to open your eyes to ways you might be giving of yourself to others and even ministry-related activities, not leaving enough in your physical and emotional “tank” to love and serve your spouse. Ministry is a life of sacrifice. It takes a lot out of us, but God never calls us to serve him to the detriment of our marriages! As wives, God calls us to look “well to the ways of her household.”2
Friend, don’t let the “doing” of life or ministry steal you from your ministry partner. Protect your time so you have energy and excitement for date nights and romance. If you have small children, this is a hard ask. We had four children in five years, and the early years were exhausting. One thing we did to help in that season was to have our babysitter come an hour early to the house. While she fed the kids, I could take a nice long shower, wash my hair, and get dressed for a date night. I felt refreshed and ready to spend intentional time with my husband. Having that extra space was worth every penny we paid our sitter!
Be Creatively Curious
If you told me I would be sitting behind my husband on a motorcycle cruising the beautiful backroads of Louisville, Kentucky, at 33 years of age, I would have thought you were crazy! But when he developed a keen interest in motorcycles, I dared to enter his world. I signed him up for a motorcycle safety class and let him tell me all about the different styles of bikes or the best roads to ride and why. I realized we were in this new hobby together. Over a decade later, God has used our time together cruising on a motorcycle to enjoy time, fresh air, and some of our best conversations.
If I asked, could you name one or two things your spouse enjoys? Our husbands serve the Lord and his people tirelessly. They need time for refreshment and diversion. Maybe it’s hunting, working out, reading a novel, or fishing. Ask him about his interests and listen. Be curious and invest yourself in your spouse’s interests.
Be Affectionate–
We hosted a wedding shower for a young couple in our church on Saturday, and I marveled at their doe-eyed rapture. Then I caught myself and said, “I know that feeling!” Do you remember the first time your heart leaped when you looked into your husband’s eyes and just hoped he would kiss you?
If we’re not careful, time can chip away at our affection for our spouses. Long hours, children hanging on our bodies, the aches and pains of aging, trials, and hardships – they all wear us out. But they do not have to define the affection we extend to our spouse. Sometimes, on the most exhausting and saddest days, I would lie in bed with my husband and hold his hand. It’s all I could muster, but I wanted him to know he was mine and I was his no matter what came our way!
Sister, make a concerted effort to look at your husband today and remember the man with whom you fell in love. Sit on his lap, hold his hand, hug him tight, write him love notes, tell him you love him, and kiss him often! Be awkwardly affectionate until affection is what defines you both. You will bless one another and your watching children!
Take time today to put even one of these four suggestions into practice. Old love is the best kind of love. Young love is sweet, but mature love is powerful! Mature love images God’s unquenchable love for his bride, the church. We have the privilege and responsibility to invest in our marriages as we point others to that kind of love. Does yours?
©2024 Erin Wheeler. Used with permission.
About The Author

Erin Wheeler
Erin is a member of University Baptist Church in Fayetteville, Ark., where her husband Brad serves as the Lead Pastor. She is the mother of four children, a labor & delivery nurse, a Bible teacher, speaker, cohost of the Priscilla Talk podcast and author of The Good Portion-The Church: Delighting in the Doctrine of the Church.