A photo of a married couple walking hand-in-hand through a forest.

Pastors, Date Your Wife

The Problem

I love being a pastor. But sometimes I don’t. Being a pastor is a big and challenging calling with many layers of responsibility and complexity. Because our work is with unfinished people, it’s hard to know if our work is succeeding, when our work is complete, and if we can ever truly take off the “pastor hat” or if we’re always relating to people within the booby-trapped landscape of dual relationships—being someone’s pastor, and friend, and counselor, and boss, etc. 

Every responsible pastor I know feels this deeply. We want to care for our church. Our church is never far from our thoughts, feelings, fears, prayers, and plans. Sometimes, I think this is the main thing we are paid for as pastors—to be the one who most “carries” the church in our bodies (“And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches” – 2 Cor 11:28). Most people do not want to carry this level of responsibility. 

These pressures can create a problem for pastors: we can neglect our marriages, or put the church before our wives, and stop dating our wives. This is backward. Our first calling is to love our wives as Christ loved the church. We are husbands first and pastors … second, or third, or maybe fourth (I don’t have the space here to speak to the problem of putting the church before your kids or forgetting that you need friends). Properly ordered pastoral ministry flows from a prioritized marriage. In fact, as the decades roll by, the best ministry you may have to your church is modeling a healthy and thriving marriage.

Setting a Date-Your-Wife Culture

Twelve years ago, when our three sons were very young, I planted Garden City Church. The task before us was daunting. I sat down with my wife, Taylor, and told her that she was about to see me enter a season of working harder and longer than she’d ever seen me work before. But, I also told Taylor how she and our sons always come before the church and that I’d demonstrate that point, in part, through three promises I made her: 1) I’d take her out on a date once a week, every Thursday night; 2) We’d keep and enjoy the Sabbath as a family—24 hours off of work every week; 3) and I’d pool my vacation time to take one month off every summer (July) so we could enjoy an annual rhythm of giving our marriage and family a break from the pressures of pastoring. 

There were many obstacles to these three promises: our sons were all under the age of 4 (very needy), we had little money, my mom was dying of cancer, and the church required a lot of my attention. To make Thursday nights happen, I had to get creative—stretching a date night budget far, enlisting free babysitting help from the new church, having a babysitter come once we’d already put the kids to bed (easier for a free babysitter to say yes), going out for dessert (cheaper than dinner), and trying to woo people without laundry machines to watch our kids in exchange for doing laundry at our house, etc. 

The creative effort was always worth it. These Thursday nights became a sacred space in our week to nurture and enjoy our marriage. My wife felt pursued, prioritized, and romanced. Some date nights were high on romance and forethought; many were very ordinary and included one or both of us feeling exhausted from life and work. But no matter what, this weekly date night created a culture in our marriage of showing my wife that I delight in her, want to be with her, and date her as a lifelong pursuit, not just a pre-marriage pursuit. 

Now, 12 years later, our life looks different with sons who have become young men. Of the three promises I made to my wife, one of them looks a little different: #1, our weekly date night. I still date my wife regularly, but we don’t practice a set Thursday night date because our sons can stay home alone, we don’t have to schedule babysitters, and our weekly schedule now flows better with more spontaneous and flexible date nights. And, with our boys in school, we also really enjoy date lunches or date afternoons sometimes instead of date nights. One of my wife’s favorite dates is for me to buy us sandwiches and take us on a long hike and picnic lunch, where we have lots of space to talk, catch up, laugh, pray, and enjoy being together. It costs about $14, and it’s a blast. 

Top Recommendations for Setting a Date-Your-Wife Culture

Pastors, to establish (or re-establish) a Date-Your-Wife Culture in your marriage and pastoral ministry, these are my top recommendations:

1. Set, keep, and enjoy a weekly date night (or date lunch).

Put it on your calendar, spend at least a few minutes planning the date each week, and don’t let anything compete with or cancel this sacred time. Use this time to date your wife—be fully present with her, listen to her, encourage her, love her, laugh with her, and pray together. A good general rule is to limit the church talk. And put your phones away.

2. Plan a getaway (two-night minimum) for you and your wife every year.

For deeper issues and joys to be tapped in your marriage, you need a change of place and pace. Whether your budget is small or big, travel at least an hour from home to somewhere interesting and date your wife. When we were first married, and the budget was nothing, I’d take Taylor camping or backpacking. We’ve also enjoyed bigger getaways to Paris and Bermuda for our 10th and 15th wedding anniversaries. My favorite getaway still might be year one of marriage, where we camped in Napa Valley during a huge rainstorm. The whole trip cost less than $100. 

3. Send your wife on a getaway without you, by herself or with friends, every year.

Part of dating your wife includes helping her get some space away from you, the kids, and the usual. Create space for your wife to enjoy time alone or with friends and not be responsible for family life. While writing this article, my wife was away on a five-night trip with friends in Florida and is having a great time.

The Pursuing Love of Jesus

Being a pastor is awesome and difficult. Pastors who don’t date their wives make their marriage and ministry unnecessarily difficult. Pastors who delight in dating their wives tend to have healthier marriages and healthier churches. Your church might need to see a pastor who loves his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25). 

Pastors, Jesus loves you. He delighted to give himself up for you and delights in you right now. May the presence and love of Jesus freshly warm your heart and excite you to love and date your wife.

©2024 Justin Buzzard. Used with permission.

About The Author

Justin Buzzard
Justin Buzzard

Justin Buzzard is author of Date Your Wife and Lead Pastor of Garden City Church in Silicon Valley. Justin has been happily married to his wife, Taylor, for 20 years and they have three sons aged 17, 15, and 13. Follow Justin’s writing and ministry to men at JustinBuzzard.net.

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