Signs Your Husband as Pastor Needs Rest

This past January, sickness hit our family hard. First, my husband came down with the flu, and then our kids caught it. There was barely time to recover before another virus brought high fevers into our home. While illness can force a pastor’s family to slow its pace for a few weeks, other times, it’s easy to miss the signs that rest is needed. 

As pastors, our husbands spend so much time thinking about and serving church members that sometimes they neglect personal rest. As their wives, though, part of loving our ministry men is caring for them. We see them up close and have the privilege of coming alongside them—physically, emotionally, and spiritually—and this includes encouraging them to rest.

Naturally, I’m more aware of how I’m doing than how my husband Scott is, so it takes regular reminders to “look not only to [my] own interests” (Philippians 2:4) but also to his. Looking to Scott’s interests involves really looking at him. Are there lines under his eyes—and if so, what do they indicate? Considering his interests means listening to him, both to what he says and the tone in which he says it. Do I hear weariness or anger, disappointment or sadness? 

As we study our husbands, let’s take time to see how they are really doing. We do this because their overall well-being is important for them personally, but it also matters to the Lord and our churches. A workaholic pastor is not only unhealthy to himself but also sets an unhelpful example to church members whom God designed to need rest. Let’s join our men in building patterns of rest into our family rhythms.

How Is Your Husband Really Doing?

Maybe it’s been a while since you studied your husband, so here are some additional diagnostic markers:

Does he get enough sleep? Does he eat well—does he eat too little or too much? Are his shoulders regularly tight? Does he make time for exercise of some kind? Have any new health issues developed?

Is there room in your family schedule for date nights, family nights, and time with friends?

Is your husband feeding his soul—through personal devotions or learning from other pastors? 

Think about what refreshes your particular husband. Is it spending time in nature, a night in (or a night out), or a good book? Has he enjoyed those things recently, or has he been too busy or preoccupied even when he’s away from church matters?

If these areas are lacking, it may mean that your husband is overdoing it and needs rest, and it’s time to consider how to come alongside and support your man. It might be time to schedule some doctor’s appointments or adjust the family menu. You could ask him to sit down and review the calendar with you, making sure to add some date nights. If he hasn’t gone on a personal retreat recently, encourage him to do so, even if others don’t fully understand the need, or he doesn’t yet see the value of one. 

These things are important for your husband’s overall health, but they go deeper than that. Your husband’s rest matters to the Lord.

Your Husband Is Designed to Need Rest

Perhaps we see this best in the pattern of sabbath rest established in Scripture. Having created the world in six days, God rested on the seventh day, setting an example for us. “So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation” (Genesis 2:3). Jesus says, “the Sabbath is made for man” (Mark 2:27), and because he rose from the grave on the first day of the week, most Christians designate Sunday as their “Sabbath.” Different churches practice it in various ways—though the majority celebrate it with Sunday morning worship services. 

While the principle of sabbath rest is good—and biblical—as pastors and wives, we can still struggle knowing how to prioritize and practice it. As long as my husband Scott has been a pastor, this has been an ongoing conversation in our home. This is because Sundays are often anything but restful for my husband; they’re usually the busiest and most intense work day of his week. So if rest isn’t built into Sunday, when and where does a pastor’s family like ours find real rest?

Jesus understands that a ministry leader’s work week can be different than a layperson’s, and this is evident in Matthew 12:5-6, where he tells the Pharisees, “ʻOr have you not read in the Law how on the Sabbath the priests in the temple profane the Sabbath and are guiltless? I tell you, something greater than the temple is here.’” Ultimately, we don’t find rest in a day but in Jesus himself.

While my husband and I recognize a strong biblical value of rest and gathering with God’s people (Hebrews 10:24-25), even on a particular day, the nature of a pastor’s work means that this day will look different for his family. With this in view, while our family worships with our church on Sundays, we don’t lock ourselves into celebrating sabbath rest in a particular way on that day. At the same time, we still seek ways to enter God’s best rest—to cease from spiritual striving and regularly delight in the goodness of Christ and the gospel (Hebrews 4:1-11). 

Building Rest into a Pastor’s Family Rhythms

Building rest into our family rhythms, especially as it relates to enjoying fellowship with Jesus, is one way my husband and I seek to honor the Lord, care for our family, be refreshed to serve our church more effectively, and resist pastoral burnout. My husband and I don’t do this perfectly, and we regularly re-evaluate what this looks like in different seasons of family life, but here are some things that have helped us and may serve you and your spouse.

1. Study Scripture and understand the biblical value of rest. If you are convinced about the importance of biblical rest, you’ll prioritize it.

2. Build rest into your week. Depending on your husband’s responsibilities, this might mean taking one day a week (other than Sunday) for designated rest in some seasons. Other times, maybe it’s Sunday afternoon plus another half day during the week. As a family, be intentional to rest during this time—try to unplug a bit and take a nap or go for a walk. Read content that encourages your walk with the Lord. 

3. Plan refreshing activities. These include extended time with the Lord, time as a couple, family nights, and activities with friends or extended family. Scott and I also try to keep a couple of “home nights” on our calendar each week. 

4. Take vacations. These include overnight getaways as a couple, short trips with our children, and extended time away. Though the “when and where” vary, our family often rests the best when we get away from home—and this is true for my husband, in particular. On one trip, Scott even deleted the texting app from his phone, and that change was truly restful for him.

There will always be another sermon to prepare or congregant to minister to, but a pastor’s rest matters to the Lord and his church. Our husbands are finite people with limitations who are designed to depend on the Lord. They need to rest so that they can be refreshed to serve him and his people. 

©2024 Katie Faris. Used with permission.