When Pastors' Kids Battle Fear

Even though I’m a pastor’s wife, there are still times I feel afraid, and even though my kids are pastor’s kids, there are times when they feel afraid too. Their fears, though like the fears of their friends in many respects, can sometimes take on dimensions unique to having parents in ministry.

A pastor’s children may see and hear things in the church that worry them, often hard things. Rumors about others or themselves may trouble them. They may fear that people are angry with their family, that someone is offended and might act against them, or that Dad could lose his job.

We live in a fallen world where scary things do happen sometimes—even in churches—and it’s normal for pastors’ kids to feel afraid. When they do, the best thing we can offer them is God’s Word.

Applying biblical truth to our children’s fears

Whether they face something new or something hard, knowing God’s promises equips our children to trust him. Here’s an approach to help them apply biblical truth to their fears:

1. Ask questions. Sometimes kids (similar to adults) feel afraid without knowing what they’re afraid of. Patiently drawing them out with questions can help them put a finger on it. As Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” Here are some suggestions: Is something wrong? Are you afraid of something? What are you afraid might happen? Because of confidentiality or wisdom, we may be unable to explain everything in our churches or ministries that have affected them, but drawing them out can help.

2. Reassure kids. Next, we can reassure our children that it’s normal to feel afraid, but at the same time, they don’t have to be afraid. We remind them of who God is and what he can do, and we try to help them see him as bigger than whatever they fear. The Lord promises to be with his people (Matthew 28:20), and he is stronger and more powerful than anything or anyone else (Isaiah 51:12-13, Ephesians 3:20). They can trust him: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

3. Pray with them. We can talk to our children, but we depend on God to open their hearts to hear and receive his truth. That’s one reason we pray (1 Thessalonians 5:17, Ephesians 1:18). While it’s always important to pray for our children, it’s especially good to pray with them when they face something frightening. Our petitions have a double effect: not only do we bring our requests to God on their behalf, but as our children hear us pray, our God-directed words offer them a strengthening kind of comfort. Plus, if they’re willing and able to pray, that’s a meaningful way to turn from fear and express faith in God.

4. Go to God’s Word together. After helping our kids identify their fears and praying, we lead them to God’s Word. Together, we look up Bible verses that tell us what’s true about God, lining them up next to our fears. Creating a chart can be helpful at this step. Above one column, you might write “Fear” and then put “Truth” above the next. For example, if a child’s aware that the church is struggling financially, perhaps the fear is, “Dad could lose his job.” While that’s a possibility, the Bible assures us that God is our ultimate Provider (Philippians 4:19). Maybe you look up 1 Peter 5:7 together, which encourages believers to cast “all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” Then, in the “Truth” column, you write, “God cares for our family.”

5. Memorize Scripture. I’m so grateful for parents and church youth leaders who encouraged (and rewarded) me for memorizing Scripture as a child. Again and again, it’s been Bible verses learned in my youth that the Holy Spirit has used to comfort and encourage me in hard times. Especially when facing something frightening, it’s “the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God,” that equips us and our children to fight our fears (Ephesians 6:17), and we ought to use it. If making a chart of “Fears” and “Truths,” we want to add a column with Bible verses that support those truths. Then we help our children memorize those verses.

Fear God, not man

When our firstborn was a baby, my husband Scott wanted to pick one truth to impress upon his young son’s mind, something Scott would repeat every night at bedtime. He landed on this: fear God, not man (Proverbs 29:25, Luke 12:4).

Behind this pithy exhortation was the idea that if our son were to cultivate a true fear of God, the kind that the author of Proverbs describes as the “beginning of knowledge” (Proverbs 1:7), then there would be no need for him to fear man—what man might do to him, what man might think of him or say about him, or anything else.

The same is true for us in ministry and our kids as well. While we can’t make them stop being afraid, we can walk with them when they are, and we can teach them to turn away from the things they fear to the Lord, their Maker and the only One who is worthy of their fear, awe, adoration, and worship. We do this by drawing them out, praying with them, leading them to Scripture, and helping them apply God’s Word to the nitty-gritty details of their lives.

©2023 Katie Faris. Used with permission.