When to Talk to Your Husband about Your Church’s Problems

This month we address a question you might be wondering: Should you mention anything to your pastor husband about your frustrations with your church? If so, when is the best time and way to go about that?

I have had the same questions. Sometimes on the drive home from church, I mull over whether I should even bring up something I noticed, and if I do, should I say something now or later?

Below are a few thoughts for you to consider:

1. Do you have the right or the responsibility to suggest changes or point out problems?

I believe you do. The Bible teaches that you are a co-heir of the grace of life (Romans 8:17). You know that you are in the body of Christ and individually a member of it (1 Corinthians 12:27). The wife of a man in leadership is no less a member of the church. If a member has the right or even the obligation to point out sin when they see it or give a suggestion to help things run more smoothly, they should do so. It’s interesting to me that I can attend another church and not feel the need to make any changes. But I feel differently about my church because I belong to that group of believers.

2. Remember that the pastor’s wife is not an officer in the church, according to the Bible

However, she does have influence that she should use wisely and discreetly. Have you heard the phrase, “The pastor is the head of the church, but his wife is the neck that turns the head?” I understand that to mean that the wife is the secret power that governs the pastor. The Bible doesn’t condone that attitude. My partnership with my husband is not a mechanism to accomplish my will in the church. If I recognize a problem or have a suggestion for my husband, it should be to benefit the body of Christ, not just get my way on an issue (Galatians 5:13b). A few times, I have told myself, “Caroline, you are not an officer of this church. You are not in charge of what happens here.”

3. Given point 2, when should I speak up with advice about something I notice in our church? 

What about Sunday morning when we are getting ready to go out the door? Should I wait until the drive home from church? Maybe it’s better to postpone that conversation until Sunday afternoon. By then, my husband might be relaxing after his morning work. But then maybe a family is joining us for lunch and then the evening service. What about Monday? Below are some suggestions.

a. My husband expends great mental and emotional energy when he preaches. I avoid bringing up problems before the service because he is reviewing the message in his head or making a mental list of things to take care of when we get to church. Try putting yourself in his place. What would you prefer? Let that be your guide. “As you wish that others would do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31).

b. I believe neither Sunday nights nor Mondays are the best time to hear about complaints/problems. Elijah was under spiritual and physical strain when he defeated the prophets of Baal. The Lord certainly strengthened him for that effort. But afterward, he was worn out. We read in 1 Kings 19 that he was afraid and despairing. Sensitivity to your husband’s physical, emotional, and spiritual weakness in the aftermath of intense ministry will help you to delay bringing up a concern or worry about the church.

c. Proverbs tells us that “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver” (Proverbs 25:11). This implies that you should choose an appropriate moment to discuss issues that must be addressed. Follow the example of Queen Esther. She heard that her people were threatened by a potentially deadly decision made by her husband under the influence of wicked Haman. She prayed and fasted before she approached the king. She invited others to pray with her. Then she went to the king, asking him to come to a feast. Esther did not reveal her request until the end of the second feast with the king and Haman. A pastor’s wife may determine it’s best to pray about an issue before speaking to her husband. In serious cases, she might judiciously seek counsel from someone else and ask that person to pray with her. The wise wife will wait until her husband is fed and relaxed. She might say, “I need to share something with you. Is now a good time?” If he’s not ready, ask him to give a specific time when he can listen. Sometimes I choose to express a concern a few days before an elder meeting because the other leaders might need to discuss the topic.

4. You might ask, “How can I wait when I know I need to speak up?” 

Some issues are urgent; others can wait (even if you don’t feel like waiting). The answer is to trust in the Lord. Read Proverbs 3:5-8 to set your heart on God and to remove a sinful or untimely approach. Ask the Lord to lead you as you aim to please him (2 Corinthians 5:9).

In summary, you have the right to have an opinion about how to help the church for the benefit of the body. Be careful to choose the best time. Remember to maintain a gracious spirit, knowing every church has strengths and weaknesses. Realize that there are some things your husband will be able to fix and other things that will need to be endured. A guiding verse is Proverbs 31:26, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”

©2023 Caroline Newheiser. All rights reserved. Used with permission.