A young couple dressed in white on a misty beach. The man is kneeling on one knee, proposing to the woman. The woman, who is standing, cover her mouth in shock.

Why Young People Are Delaying Marriage and What to Do About It

“He who finds a wife finds good and receives favor from the LORD.” – Proverbs 18:22, my translation.

“O you poor, miserable fellow, did you take a wife? Shame, shame, on the trouble and displeasure! It is better to remain free and to lead a quiet life without care.” Some things never change. This quote from Martin Luther summarizes negative attitudes towards marriage in 1522. Marriage wasn’t terribly popular then, but it was starting to trend upward. Today, we find ourselves in the opposite situation: marriage is decreasing in popularity, even among Christians.

The Stats

One major issue in the church is the increasing likelihood of young Christians delaying marriage. The Barna group noted in 2017 large-scale changes in attitudes towards marriage in young adults, “These are massive shifts and most pronounced among those in their twenties and thirties, toward a broader move to delay marriage among younger Americans.” There is no single or simplistic explanation for this shift, but some common sense factors in our cultural landscape and our churches contribute to this de-emphasis of marriage:

  • The increasingly popular view that co-habitation is an acceptable alternative to marriage
  • Unprecedented access to pornography
  • The cultural shift in viewing pornography as morally acceptable
  • Delay in young people, especially men, in taking on adult responsibilities
  • Lack of viable marriage options
  • Deterioration in dating culture 

We could go on. Even so, contrary to the trending attitudes of young adults in the United States, God’s Word is unashamedly pro-marriage and pro-marriage for the young. Proverbs 18:22, for example, pictures marriage as a blessing from God. Perhaps the Proverb is a reflection on Genesis 2:18, “It is not good for a man to be alone.” If God designed marriage and clearly calls humans to pursue marriage, how can churches present and defend marriage in a culture leaning away from it?

Formal Teaching Contexts and Informal Discipleship

Churches need to engage with people on the issue of marriage both in formal teaching contexts and informal relational/discipleship contexts. In both kinds of ministry we need to directly and positively address what the Bible says about marriage.

Young people are getting their ideas about marriage from TV, movies, social media, and horror stories they’ve heard. We must lovingly counter that stream of data with the biblical alternative.

Consider these strategies in addressing marriage in your church context:

In formal preaching and teaching contexts, be clear about what we find in God’s Word regarding marriage, sexual purity, and divorce. When God’s Word contradicts cultural attitudes, we may be tempted to be apologetic. Resist that temptation and instead preach about marriage with realistic winsomeness and joy. We need to be honest with people about the challenges in marriage while showing them the goodness of God’s design. 

One practical way to increase awareness about biblical teaching on marriage is to offer a weekend seminar or conference. Consider designing the seminar around communicating with those who are not yet married. Use in-house surveys to generate topics and questions particularly relevant to your ministry context. Bringing in an outside speaker can pique interest and supplement the regular teaching ministry of your church in this area.

In informal ministry, take advantage of formal teaching and preaching by using it as a springboard for conversations about marriage. Open discussion in small groups and one-on-one relationships about the highs and lows of marriage will help people see how God’s Word is applied in the real world.

Likewise, be intentional in talking about the negative factors that may be causing younger Christians to delay pursuing marriage.

Address how pornography has a secondary negative effect by muting our need for sexual fulfillment in marriage. Confront perpetual immaturity and call young men to more than a life of work and playing video games. 

Ministering to the Married and Soon-to-be-Married

Of course, we also need to be proactive in ministering to those who are married and soon to be married. Marriage Bible study resources abound, and such groups can lead to needed open discussion of how the saints are holding up in their marriages. Robust pre-marital counseling is essential to help prepare those heading toward marriage to do so with their eyes wide open. 

As we think about addressing marriage in our churches, it would be wise to consider a few sensitive spots. First, be careful not to degrade singleness. It is a gift from the Lord, even if only for a season. We can easily give the impression that those who are not married are second-class citizens. Second, be mindful of widows, widowers, and those who have experienced divorce. Talking about marriage may bring up old wounds and painful emotions. 

Finally, there is no way to encourage the young to get married without encouraging the young to get married. Call younger generations to consider prayerfully pursuing marriage in their youth. Bringing it up in formal and informal contexts will help younger Christians process their circumstances and attitudes in light of God’s Word.

I think Luther was right. We must point out that the primary obstacle to pursuing marriage is usually self-centeredness. What we find in God’s Word is not a picture of marriages without problems but rather a calling to Christ-like selfless love of our spouse. He would go on to say that love in marriage “excels all other love.” Let’s encourage the saints to prove him right.

©2024 Ryan Boys. Used with permission.

About The Author

Ryan Boys
Ryan Boys

Ryan Boys serves as the lead pastor of Green Pond Bible Chapel in Rockaway, NJ. He is the author of the forthcoming How to Preach Apocalyptic with Fontes Press.

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