Pastor’s Wife, Love Your Man

Last month, The Focused Pastor published How Not to Get Lost and Lonely in Your Husband’s Ministry, a free eBook for pastors’ wives. Grab a copy here and enjoy the following excerpt.

“Most Sundays, I’m not walking around with my husband, given his responsibilities. When the kids were little, it was me and the kids, and now it’s often just me. That can be hard.

“In years past, when I was trying to get all my kids with strollers, bags, and Bible out to the car after church in the rain, I would wish I had some help! No one seemed to be picking me up at the door! And getting everyone ready for church when my husband had left hours before was not for the faint of heart.”

Trish is my friend and a pastor’s wife at the church that planted ours. Maybe you can relate to her experience. I certainly can. With or without kids, Sunday mornings present challenges to a pastor’s wife. Nevertheless, read Trish’s encouragement: “But God was faithful to remind me that these challenges were small in light of the privileges of being married to my husband and the opportunity to love God’s people.”

Doesn’t that sound a little bit like a pastor’s wife’s version of 2 Corinthians 4:17? “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

Saying that being a pastor’s wife is a privilege isn’t cliché. Both the “pastor” part and the “wife” part are blessings. It’s an honor to engage in the Lord’s work in our churches, and it’s also a gift to be married to a guy who loves Jesus and his people. These blessings far outweigh the “light momentary afflictions” we might experience on a rainy Sunday. But this is easy to forget, and that’s why it’s good for us to consider what it means to love your man when that man is a pastor.

Love Your Man as a Husband and Father

My friend Kim’s eyes light up and she smiles widely when she talks about her husband, and she tells anyone who will listen that she thinks he’s the most handsome guy in the world. (Wouldn’t it be great if each of our husbands knew that we thought he was the best catch out there?)

Kim’s husband and mine are on the same pastoral team, and over 30+ years of ministry marriage, one way she loves her man is by helping him plan (see Genesis 2:18). When I picked Kim’s brain about this, she shared so much practical wisdom:

• “We tried to keep our weekly Monday date night as best we could. For our anniversary, we would always go away … for 3 days and 2 nights. I also planned two surprises a year when [he] would come home—no kids—and we’d have the next 24 hours together.
• “We prioritized family night. When the kids entered their teen years and got to be so busy with work and school, we made Thursday night ‘nobody in and nobody out’ night. We protected that family night which meant [my husband] couldn’t schedule anything on that night either.
• “Family vacation was a priority. We established a 3-day, 2-night annual surprise trip … . [The kids] never knew when it was coming! We still have family vacation and plan our budget accordingly.
• “Individual time with each child was important for [my husband]. He took one child out a month (all we could afford).”

Kim organizes everything in her day timer, and she keeps her husband on track to do the things he already wants to do. Kristin, a friend I met when our husbands did pastoral training together, agrees on the importance of planning and adds, “Prioritizing our date nights is a must so that we enjoy each other for who we are rather than the roles we fill.”

If prioritizing family time is hard for your husband, talk to him about it. Be brave enough to bring input and offer help. Most likely, he wants your family to be a priority as much as you do, but maybe he isn’t sure how to make it happen.

Love Your Man as a Pastor

Part of loving my man is loving him as a pastor. When I ask my husband Scott, “How was your day?”, I want to be ready to really listen to him talk about his hospital visit, process a hard conversation, share the nitty-gritty about the boiler system that’s malfunctioning, or hear about the class he’s preparing to teach.

Another way we love our husbands (and also our churches) is by praying for them and with them about these burdens (1 Thessalonians 5:17). A recent phone call with my father-in-law affirmed this. In addition to personal devotions, in his words, “Bev and I prayed together. She was involved in praying for the church at every level.” Over 50+ years of pastoral ministry, prayer is what made the real difference. It’s what helped my mother-in-law not to feel lost or lonely but rather that she was a strategic partner in her husband’s life work.

Editor’s Note:

This article is an excerpt from How Not to Get Lost and Lonely in Your Husband’s Ministry, an eBook published by The Focused Pastor that applies biblical truth and considers the examples and counsel of experienced pastors’ wives. Grab your copy of this free resource here. If you enjoy it, we encourage you to share it with others!

©2024 Katie Faris. Used with permission.