The Pastor’s Family and Ministry Pressure

For years I have had three pictures on my office wall that remind me of my role as a pastor. All three depict various aspects of shepherding. One portrays the shepherd leading his sheep through a mountain pass. In other words, shepherds are leaders. Another shows a shepherd tenderly caring for a solitary sheep. Shepherds care for their flocks. The last is quite dramatic and will be the focus of this article, but not in the way you might imagine. It captures the shepherd protecting his flock from wolves that want to consume them. Shepherds are protectors.

There are many ways a shepherd being a protector of sheep applies to pastors protecting their people. Of course, a high calling from God is to protect the congregation from false teaching (see Acts 20: 28-30), and there are other ways a shepherd must protect as well. We should also care for and protect widows, orphans, and the oppressed because they are vulnerable (see Psalm 146 and James 1:27). This is godly. I want to expand on this principle to specifically address the shepherd’s family as chief members of the flock. It is clear from the qualifications of a pastor in I Timothy 3 and Titus 1 that prioritizing the care of your family is biblical. This care is especially needed during times of tension because they are a unique threat to a ministry family.

What are some of the threats, and what do you do?

1. Yourself

Quite frankly and unfortunately, one threat might be you! It is tempting to bring the pressures of the ministry home. Anyone can do this, and the tensions you’re feeling can result in irritability, harshness, and other relational sins. This would be a direct violation of Ephesians 4:1-3. Paul urges all of us to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.”

The opposites of the character traits listed in Ephesians 4 set up a non-gospel climate in the home. A gospel climate would involve patience because of how patient God has been with us. Our children should sense tenderness in our homes because of the compassion of the Lord for lost sinners like us. Don’t make your family the recipient of your ministry frustrations. Walking out of the room would be better than unleashing your frustration. Maybe you need to have a good talk with your soul as you’re driving home and remind yourself that your family is not the problem.

2. Not Focusing on the Family

It’s also tempting to lack focus, and this can threaten family unity. Times of ministry pressure are draining and take up a lot of mental bandwidth. I remember sitting around our dinner table as my wife and children were happily enjoying a meal, and a child would say something like, “Earth to dad, where are you?” My mind was focused elsewhere, and I was staring out into oblivion! What a shame. I missed special moments with my family and have learned it takes discipline to focus on what’s in front of me.

Your wife can help the kids be patient with you, though. One of my life’s great blessings is having a ministry-focused wife who is patient with me. She showed tremendous help in our parenting and encouraged patience with me from our children by saying things like, “Dad is under a lot of pressure right now. Let’s be patient with him when he’s home.” Of course, just because my wife and family may be gracious with me does not allow me to be ungracious with them.

3. Conflict

Church conflict is another time your family needs protection. I am especially concerned about what our children think of the church. What impressions are they getting now that will shape their attitudes in the future? In Sunday School, we sang, “Be careful little eyes what you see….” Another verse was, “Be careful little mouth what you say….” This is relevant for times of church conflict because little ears may hear what you say. The dinner table is not the place to talk about the problems you’re having with people at church.

Here’s a true story. My father was also a pastor and went through plenty of church conflicts. One of those times was when I was in third grade. A particular lady was giving him a difficult time, and I overheard the conversation. My parents were greatly embarrassed because I brought her name up the next day at my school. Yes, I did! My teacher, Mrs. Murray, promptly called my parents to warn them to talk to me and tell them what happened. They learned a lesson, and this incident helped me in future ministry to be careful what I was saying around my children.

Lastly, Protect Your Wife

As part of your “one fleshness,” I believe sharing ministry details with your wife is legitimate. This doesn’t mean you have to, though. Love should ask, “What is in the best interest of the other person” (Phil. 2:3-5)? With this as a guiding principle, I didn’t tell my wife about every anonymous letter, nasty email, or all the details of church board meetings. My primary motivation was to protect her heart from bitterness because of my antagonists.

Encouragement

This may feel overwhelming, especially if you’re already feeling tension in ministry, so allow me to encourage you.

God’s callings are God’s enablings. In other words, if God has called you to something, He will equip you to accomplish it. This statement has gotten me through a lot of tough ministry times. I heard this many years ago during a chapel service at Bible college. Many passages of scripture could substantiate this solid biblical principle, but one of my favorites is Psalm 28:7. “The LORD is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in Him and I am helped.” 

Fellow pastors, protecting a flock and protecting your family can feel overwhelming. I get it. Hopefully, you can tell your soul that this promise is true and what He has called you to do, He will enable you to do. Part of that calling is to care for your family, especially during times of ministry pressure.

©2023 Ernie Baker. All rights reserved. Used with permission.