Balancing Hospitality and Family at Thanksgiving

For many of us, Thanksgiving is a time of worship and joy, fueled by warm memories of meals shared with family. Multiple generations gather around a full table, eating recipes enjoyed year after year reminding us of Aunt Norma, Aunt Elsie, and Grandad. The connection with the past is important to our immediate family. How does this classic picture change when you become a pastor’s wife? Who else should come to your table? Does including others dilute your identity as a family? How do you preserve your own traditions while inviting guests to take part? Is it possible to balance both the needs of your family and the needs of your church?

These are important questions. The wife of a new pastor might wonder about her responsibility toward her family yet feel concerned about serving the needs of her new church family. The missionary wife might feel protective of her culture and believe that celebrating Thanksgiving will help her fight against homesickness. After all, Thanksgiving is a uniquely American holiday! I have experienced Thanksgiving in another country as well as in a church where my husband served as pastor. I have wrestled with my responsibility to both my family and my church. Here are some thoughts that might help.

First, it is important to realize that the choice is not between choosing family or choosing ministry. The family is your primary area of service. Titus 2:3-5 and 1 Timothy 5:8-14 point out that the Lord places a high value on your role of service in the home.

Second, it is possible to retain family traditions while inviting others to join you at Thanksgiving. Our family, like yours, has a recipe box of favorite dishes that we eat every year in late November. Even when we lived overseas, we were able to bring ingredients from the United States for our favorite cornbread dressing and pies. When we moved stateside, we enjoyed setting our table with the familiar plates and glasses, using the centerpiece that we kept from year to year. We developed the tradition of reading aloud the story of the first Thanksgiving before we enjoyed our feast. These external things create a sense of family unity.

You have probably thought about inviting others to join your family on Thanksgiving Day. You might consider including the recent widow in your church or a group of college students who aren’t able to spend time with their families because of a short Thanksgiving break. A neighbor might not have any relatives nearby but would appreciate an invitation on such a family-oriented holiday. I have a friend who gathers the international students who attend our seminary. These students enjoy getting a glimpse of our culture. Our diverse church in California brought together various members who shared traditional dishes from their own backgrounds. Be sure to meet the needs of your immediate family when you draw in others to share your celebration. Bake your son’s favorite side dish and your husband’s favorite pie. Despite expanding the group around your table, keep in mind how to retain your own special traditions.

Third, your children will benefit from seeing your example of practical love expressed at the holiday table. They can be included in the event by helping you set up tables, chairs, and even tray tables if needed. Some of your children will enjoy using their creativity to decorate the buffet table or prepare a part of the meal. When our sons were old enough, their job was to choose some board games or plan

outdoor activities for their young guests. Your husband might enjoy being in charge of a touch football game to work off calories.

I love cooking so I often provided the turkey when I hosted the dinner so others wouldn’t need to worry about transporting a steaming hot main dish. Over the years, the dinner became so popular that several main dishes were needed. Year after year, the dessert table was a sight to behold!

Fourth, remember the motivation for your Thanksgiving outreach is love for others. Jesus exhorted his followers to keep the second greatest commandment which requires us to love our neighbor (Mark 12:31). Your hospitality is a practical outgrowth of the desire to serve unbelievers for the sake of the gospel and to minister to our brothers and sisters in Christ. “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Mom, you are in a position to teach your children to love God by loving others. Gathering people around your table builds community, which is often lacking in churches. Sharing a meal is a first step towards deeper fellowship. Even if your church hosts a church-wide Thanksgiving Potluck supper in your church building instead of your house, ties are strengthened.

To summarize, each family is unique. Some families relish opening their homes with the children in the household willing to share their parents with others. Other families are in a position of protecting their immediate family from overextension and burnout. One family may have a teenager who resents outsiders. A different family could have a special-needs child who becomes distressed in large groups. The young family with toddlers might wish to protect naptime and forgo inviting church members into the home during this season of life. In the early years of our ministry, our children enjoyed being part of a larger group. As they grew older, they preferred having a smaller celebration with our immediate family. Discuss with your husband the preferences of each person affected and make the best decision together. There is room for flexibility over the years of your ministry.

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ” (Colossians 3:23-24). Enjoy your Thanksgiving Day to the glory of God!

©2023 Caroline Newheiser. Used with permission.