Are You Doing Accountability Backwards?
The desire to have accountability in our lives around destructive behavior like pornography is noble. When we live in isolation or secrecy in any area of life, we all but guarantee that sinful patterns will continue. Coming into the light of truth and openness with others who care about us is an effective way to work towards change. In this decision for accountability, however, many people set up their accountability relationships completely backward.
How so? In my experience, most people seeking accountability will approach someone they trust, like their pastor, and say, “Will you hold me accountable in this area of my life? I give you permission to ask me anytime how I am doing, and I will tell you honestly.” While this sounds good (and indeed is a step ahead of no accountability at all!), the responsibility for change lies with the wrong person! In this scenario, who carries the primary responsibility for accountability- the one seeking change or the accountability partner? It’s the accountability partner! If the accountability partner forgets to check in or has a busy week and never circles back, whose fault is that? If the accountability calls to check in at a time when the one struggling is busy and can’t talk, whose fault is that? The burden of responsibility in this scenario rests on the wrong person’s shoulders. This is accountability done backward!
In true accountability, the person struggling and looking to change a sinful pattern, must always carry the primary responsibility for change.
In this case, they should be the one who commits to check in with their accountability partner. They must commit themselves to change in a way that requires a proactive commitment on their part to be accountable long before the destructive behavior reoccurs. Pastor, if a friend or family member requests accountability, their resolve should be to contact you regularly and share specifically about their progress in the area of purity.
These three steps will help you create an accountability plan that leads to true change.
Be specific
Too often, when people approach a pastor or mentor looking for accountability around sexual purity, their request for help is too vague. They may say something like, “Help keep me accountable to not look at porn,” or, “Ask me if I’m staying pure.” While these are certainly good ideas, they are disengaged from the actual steps the person needs to take. A better plan involves getting very specific about our most prevalent area of struggle. See how some of these statements would be far more helpful:
- I am committing to stay off all social media for 30 days.
- I am agreeing not to be on any internet-connected device in my bedroom or bathroom.
- I will not text anyone of the opposite gender other than my spouse or a family member.
These commitments all have a specific plan and a specific answer as to whether or not we are honoring that commitment. A pastor can have the wisdom and insight needed to help someone see how a vague commitment won’t get them very far, and at times, they may need to have several guardrails they are reporting on at once!
Far too many plans for accountability have been derailed by the generic statement, “I’m doing fine,” when what we needed was to be completely honest about the areas where we experience temptation. Being specific will help you, or those you hold accountable, get honest and make true change.
2. Make a plan
Saint Bernard of Clairvaux once famously quipped that ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions.’ Perhaps nowhere is this statement more true than in this area of accountability over sexual purity. How many of us have said, ‘I’ll check in and let you know how I’m doing,’ only never to follow through? Let’s be honest: being honest about our struggles with sexual issues can be awkward, humbling, or downright embarrassing. This isn’t the sort of conversation anyone naturally enjoys! In light of this, there must be a communication plan around accountability.
If you are helping someone with accountability, have them answer questions like this: What day of the week will you check in? What time of day? Does this time work well for both of us? What commitments will be reported on? Can we meet in person, or will a phone call work? If I call and get voicemail, can I leave a message? When you answer these questions, the likelihood of a successful check-in grows exponentially. Also, having a plan will eliminate many of the excuses we tend to make around accountability. When we are tempted, we KNOW that a check-in is coming and will be less likely to give in to the temptation.
3. Check in early and often
Dr. Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in treating sexual addiction in the 1980s, has identified four stages of acting out sexually: 1)Preoccupation, 2)Ritualization, 3)Compulsivity, and 4)Despair. Long before someone returns to that unwanted, old-natured behavior, their brain begins to return to the same temptation over and over. In this stage of ‘preoccupation,’ most men and women will convince themselves that they are still in control and won’t do the thing they are thinking about doing. What they fail to realize, however, is that this mental circling back is part of their acting-out pattern. It is therefore important that they guard their thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5).
In light of this, check-ins with an accountability partner must happen early and often. Pastors and spiritual leaders can play a crucial role in retraining how people think about accountability in this way! Rather than waiting until someone is on the verge of acting out or is lost in the guilt of choosing the behavior, exhort partners to reach out as soon as they recognize the preoccupation taking place. Have they returned mentally to the same idea several times in the same afternoon to look at Instagram on their phone? The time to make a call is now!
When we bring the pattern of preoccupation into the light, the process is broken, and we can take the thoughts captive to Christ.
But what if I—the Pastor—am the one who needs accountability?
The truth is that having the title ‘Pastor’ added to your name doesn’t make you immune from sexual struggles and the need for honest community. But for many pastors, this safe place for deep honesty can be difficult to find. When I began my journey out of addiction to pornography, I had to find a recovery group (through Pure Desire Ministries) in another town to maintain confidentiality. This could be an opportunity for pastors to consider.
For others, connecting with a ministry colleague outside of their denomination or church can be fertile soil for an accountability partner. When we have the freedom to confide in someone outside our church authority structure, we may have greater transparency. One final suggestion would be to seek out a spiritual director or a pastoral counselor. Many excellent resources can be found at TheFocusedPastor.org.
Being accountable to someone or helping keep someone accountable can be a challenging journey. But when we follow these three steps and avoid ‘backward accountability,’ this can be a life-giving relationship. I pray that you will grow in accountability this month and live in the truth of Ecclesiastes 4:12 – “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
©2023 Nick Stumbo. Used with permission.
About The Author

Nick Stumbo
Nick Stumbo is the Executive Director for Pure Desire Ministries and has been in leadership for over 15 years. He was in Pastoral Ministry at East Hills Alliance Church in Kelso, Washington, for 14 years. Nick has a Bachelor’s Degree in Pastoral Studies from Crown College and an MDiv from Bethel Seminary. He has authored two books: Setting Us Free and Safe: Creating a Culture of Grace in a Climate of Shame.