Four Basic Principles to Help Balance Family and Ministry
The Flying Wallendas, one of the greatest family circus acts of all time, wowed audiences with their high-wire stunts. Their most famous, seven-person pyramid with the topmost person balancing on a chair drew the applause of thousands. Their secret to staying up on the high wire was each performer grasping a long pole to help them keep their balance.
For the pastor, balancing ministry and family can feel like a complicated high-wire act. We live in a broken world with an unending supply of needs among the congregation. Those needs, are like gravity pulling the high wire performer off balance. With a heart to serve, some pastors just take on more and more ministry. We need principles to help us, like a balancing pole, to ensure we maintain the proper care of our family while we care for the church.
Here are four principles to help you balance church and family:
1. Family Comes First
It is helpful remind yourself that scripture indicates the family is the Pastor’s priority. in giving Timothy the qualifications for a pastor Paul explained, “For if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (1 Timothy 3:5)
That is not to say a pastor’s family must come first in every situation, but a pastor must not neglect his family. There are plenty of times when church care becomes the clear priority, such as when a church member dies or something else tragic occurs. If you don’t neglect your family, they will understand and gladly share you when tragedy strikes.
2. You can’t meet all the needs of your church.
The heart of a pastor is wired to care, and scripture calls us pastors to “shepherd the flock of God, willingly, eager to serve” (1 Peter 2:5-3). But that doesn’t mean we need to meet every need.
Think back to a week when you were away on vacation or at a conference. After you return, someone inevitably comes up and tells you, “I really needed to talk to you last week. My whole life came crashing down.” But when you ask, “What happened?” They answer, “God really met me in the valley, and I’m doing much better now.”
It is easy for pastors to assume we need to solve everyone’s problems. We can forget that there is a “Chief Shepherd” over us (1 Peter 5:4). We can’t meet all the needs of our church and our family too. If keeping our priorities straight means someone gets bumped from our care to that of the Chief Shepherd, they’re in good hands.
Some pastors find their fulfillment and identity in meeting the needs of the flock. They love hearing, “our pastor is such a caring man.” But if your family thinks otherwise, you’ve got your priorities out of balance.
3. It is ok to say “No”
As pastors, we need to learn it is ok to say no and even ok to slip away from a meeting. Consider this story and the window it offers to Jesus’ priorities:
“But now even more the report about him went abroad, and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray.” (Luke 5:15–16)
I can imagine the crowd saying, “Wait a minute Jesus, we still have needs. What are you doing leaving us to spend time with your Dad?”
4. Your calendar is your balancing pole. (Link to January article on planning calendars)
For a pastor, your calendar is your balancing pole. You are less likely to neglect the priority of family if you schedule family activities in advance. When a member of your church asks if they can meet with you at a particular time, and you have a family event scheduled, you can say, “I’m sorry, I already have an appointment” and offer an alternate date.
In case you are wondering what family priorities to add to your calendar, here is a basic list.
- Schedule meetings with your wife to review your schedule at least once per month. Be sure to review three months ahead for daily appointments and nine months ahead for overnight or multiple-day events like conferences or retreats.
- Schedule times for you and your wife to spend an evening together – at least once per month. If you must move a date, move it to an open day.
- Schedule nights to be at home with the family. Limit evening meetings to three, or at most, four, per week. Try blocking out Monday, Thursday, and Saturday. If an important meeting comes up on an evening off, cancel something else.
- Schedule your children’s outside activities like sports, performances, and other appointments on your calendar, too.
- Plan to withdraw from ministry for a few weeks after unusually busy months. I can remember when I served as a youth pastor, the weeks leading up to our August Youth Camp were brutal. I was on my own through some of those early youth camps to do everything from planning the meals to preparing four messages. After youth camp, I didn’t schedule any evening or Saturday meetings for two weeks. My family knew they wouldn’t see me much leading up to youth camp but knew Dad would be around a lot when the camp was over.
A thriving pastor’s family, properly balanced with care for the congregation, makes for a healthy church. When you are not available for the church, folks will not be neglected. Remember, the Chief Shepherd who set the priorities for a pastor has got your back.
©2024 Marty Machowski. Used with permission.
About The Author

Marty Machowski
Marty Machowski is a Family Life Pastor at Covenant Fellowship Church in Glen Mills, Pa. He is the author of the book, Darkest Night Brightest Day.