Have the Wisdom to Seek Your Spouse’s Good in Struggles with Pornography

“Wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her.”Proverbs 8:11

My family enjoys goalsetting. On New Year’s Eve, we each write down our goals for the new year. These cover several categories – Education, Family, Spiritual Disciplines, Professional, Fitness, Hobbies, 5 Year, 10 Year, etc. For each short-term category, we list 1-3 immediate goals. For the long-term categories, we name specific steps we can take now that will move us toward achieving bigger goals. After we’ve eaten New Year’s brunch, we spend some time talking about our lists from the previous year. We discuss what we achieved, what we didn’t, and why. Then, we share our goals for the new year.

What would you choose if I asked you to list your primary goals as a pastor’s wife? Summarize your approach to relating to your husband in a few words. Your answer might reflect on specific passages of Scripture: “My goal is to learn to love my husband well (1 Corinthians 13).” “I want to show my husband more respect (Ephesians 5).” Or “I want to be my husband’s biggest encourager (1 Thess 5).” These are all good goals. I’ve prayed for each of these things at different points in my marriage, but after 20 years of marriage, the thing I find myself praying for most often is wisdom. If I could summarize my primary goal as a wife, it would be this:

“After Jesus, I want to be my husband’s wisest companion.”

We all need wisdom to be good wives. We also need wisdom to serve faithfully in the ministries God has given us. For most of our twenty years of marriage, my husband and I have been attending seminary, working in vocational ministry, or both. During some of those years, my husband also struggled with a porn problem. Today, I want to encourage you with a few thoughts that motivated me to be proactive about helping my husband battle his sin. First, my priority was to become a wise wife; wisdom always aligns with God’s assessment of reality. Proverbs tell us that sexual sin is the type of sin a person can be lulled into believing is no big deal, but Scripture wakes us up to the reality that it is a dangerous, soul-killing pastime (Proverbs 7:6-27). Second, wisdom is always honest. To be wise, we must acknowledge the reality of perversity in the world. This includes the perversity of a heart that is attracted to internet porn. Scripture gives a name for people who pursue sexual pleasure outside the bounds of marriage. They are fools (Proverbs 5:22-23). Until we agree with God that these things are true, we will never become the types of wise companions our spouses need.

When my husband struggled porn, it would have been easier, in the short term, to ignore his sin. It would have taken less effort to sweep this private sin under the rug than it took to confront it. There are no easy remedies to battling sexual sin. In every instance, it takes wisdom to know what to do. Thankfully, throughout Scripture, God tells us that those who seek wisdom get wisdom (James 1:5). *Before I confronted my husband about his porn problem, wisdom required me to ask myself hard questions. You will also need to answer these questions too: Is porn a relatively minor issue that I can overlook, or is it a destructive enemy that must be confronted? Can I turn a blind eye to my husband’s porn problem and maintain a clear conscience before the Lord? 

Once we admit that porn use is dangerous and foolish, Abigail becomes the type of role model we need. (You can read her story in 1 Samuel 25.) Any wife whose husband struggles with pornography will benefit from her example. As we look at Abigail’s wise responses to her husband’s foolishness, we must remember that all her actions were loving. Abigail chose to serve her husband even while his sinful decisions threatened to destroy their family. On the surface, it might look like Abigail is working against her husband, but she’s not. She’s opposing her husband’s sin, which is another way of saying Abigail works for her husband’s good. Let’s look at two of the ways Abigail models wisdom.

 1. Abigail’s wisdom demonstrated itself through courage

Nabal was a foolish, selfish man who mistreated the future king of Israel. David was furious with Nabal, so he and his army set out on a mission that had one objective – slaughtering every man under Nabal’s roof.

Have you ever thought of pornography as an enemy that has the power to destroy your home?

A sober assessment of your husband’s sin will increase your resolve to move his destructive habit one step closer to the light. Talk with your husband. Tell him you love him too much to keep this sin a secret. Encourage him to confess his struggle to a mature Christian friend and another person with spiritual authority over him and his ministry.

2. Abigail teaches us that wisdom always seeks a spouse’s good above a spouse’s approval

Notice what verse 19 says. Abigail did not tell Nabal what she was about to do. If you’ve already tried talking to your spouse about his porn problem and he’s asked you not to tell anyone, or he’s said things like “It’s not that big of a deal.” Or “I’ve confessed it to God, so no one else needs to know.” You will need to draw from this aspect of Abigail’s wisdom. Abigail knew that Nabal didn’t prefer her loving course of action, but that didn’t stop her from seeking outside help even when doing so was contrary to Nabal’s desires.

We can gain many more lessons by meditating on Abigail’s wise intervention, but here’s the summary. Abigail took her husband’s sin seriously and responded to it in brave, life-giving ways. If your husband is struggling with sexual sin, God is calling you to these same wise principles.

Sexual sin causes pain and suffering for every spouse who endures it, but it brings additional hardships to couples serving in vocational ministry. If you are a ministry wife whose husband consumes porn, you have a lot to lose – vocation, income, the acceptance and approval of the people you minister to, and your public image. I won’t try to diminish these concerns. They are all legitimate. Your husband’s porn problem has the potential to cause significant loss. If any losses occur, they are not your fault but the direct consequences of your husband’s unfaithful actions.

Today my marriage is joyful, affectionate, and a daily source of comfort. It might not be any of these things if I had chosen to ignore my husband’s sin. During those difficult years of marriage, God gave me the courage to talk to my husband about his struggle with pornography, and together, we reached out to people who could offer wise help and accountability. Talking to my husband about his sin wasn’t easy, but I did it because I loved him, and I was determined to obey God.

If your husband does look at porn, I hope I’ve convinced you to add a new goal to your list. I believe that every Christian wife must care for her husband by helping him bring his porn problem to the attention of people who can help him fight his sin. If you decide to do this, you might lose some of the things precious to you, but you can’t ever lose what’s most valuable – the unquenchable Fatherly affection of God (Matt 6:8) that Jesus’s death on the cross has provided for you. Your earthly obedience to Christ might be costly, but it will serve as one more indicator that you are among those who can never be plucked from the Father’s hand (John 10:29) because those who have received the steadfast love of God embody wisdom by keeping his commands (John 14:21).

Footnote: *If your husband is abusive, wisdom would encourage you not to confront your husband’s porn use or disclose it to anyone else. Instead, share your concerns about your safety with someone who can help. You can go to The Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233).

©2023 Jenny Solomon. Used with permission.

Jenny Solomon studied Philosophy and Religion at College of the Ozarks, attended The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, and has served as a ministry wife for over a decade. She and her husband, Curtis, are founders of Solomon SoulCare.