Helping Grieving People Pastorally

Every morning for several months, my wife and I walked past an injured Canada goose whose feathers stuck out in several directions. For all those months, several geese dutifully stayed with the injured bird.

Likewise, caring for the wounded is the church’s loving duty to her own. Paul teaches us that when one member of Christ’s body suffers, “all the members suffer” (1 Cor.12:26). Caring for the grieving promotes the unity of the body of Christ and fosters the communion of saints. Furthermore, grieving saints have a claim on our compassion for Christ’s sake (Matt. 25:40).

This is particularly true of pastors. God calls us to be shepherds or pastors (Eph. 4:11), which means we are to “feed (literally, ‘be a shepherd to’) the church of God” (Acts 20:28). That involves avoiding certain attitudes and cultivating others, then putting those attitudes into action, remembering our great calling as Christ’s “under-shepherds.”

Attitudes to Avoid

1. Don’t regard grieving people as an interruption.

I was in the ministry for more than ten years when I received what proved to be a life-changing call. I was working on the conclusion of my doctoral dissertation when the phone rang. I sighed as I answered.

“Am I that much of an interruption?” asked the friend on the other end.

“Interruption?” I asked meekly.

“Yes, didn’t you hear yourself sigh?”

Suddenly, I realized that my dissertation, not the grieving caller, was the interruption. The grieving caller was my life’s work, my calling, my real ministry. My dissertation was the interruption of this real ministry.

I never forgot that lesson over the last 35 years of ministry. In many ways, grieving and hurting people are the very heart of ministry. We must not think of our churches and our parishioners in terms of numbers or cases; rather, we should think of our churches as hospitals where the wounded and grieving come to us, seeking our biblical guidance, loving care, and sincere prayer.

2. Don’t treat all sheep the same.

As a good shepherd, remember that some sheep will need more attention than others. Cultivate a shepherd’s ear to hear the cries of the distressed, to recognize their diseases and sorrows, and to lead them to green pastures where God can meet their needs.

3. Don’t forsake shepherding for preaching.

 Don’t say, “I’m a preacher first and foremost, so I don’t need to spend much time with my flock.” Preaching and pastoring are two sides of the coin of ministry. Yes, it’s tough to do both well, but do them you must. God never promised you that the ministry would be easy or that it would be merely a 40-hour job; it is a holy vocation in which you are always on call.

Attitudes to Cultivate

1. Love your grieving people.

People are hurting. If we do not shepherd them in their sorrows, we are hirelings, not shepherds, and should repent of our indifference. Say with Richard Baxter, “I am contented to consume my body, to sacrifice to God’s service, and to spend all that I have, and to be spent myself, for the souls of men.”

2. Develop a positive attitude toward pastoral ministry.

As a pastor, you need to cultivate an attitude of willing servitude to pastoring the needy. Say with Thomas Scott, “Had I a thousand lives, I would willingly spend them in the pastoral ministry.”

3. Shepherd the grieving as Christ shepherds you.

Be imitators of Christ for Christ’s sake (Eph. 5:1–2). If Christ purchased his flock with His own blood, should you not be willing to make some sacrifices to serve His hurting people?

Putting Attitude into Action

1. Initiate calls and visits to the grieving.

Don’t wait for hurting people to call you for an appointment. Make the first contact, then pencil in the next appointment on your calendar. Don’t forget them due to busyness. Let the grieving be your priority, just as a good shepherd tends first and foremost to his hurting sheep (Matt. 18:12–13).

2. Give yourself to the grieving.

Offer hurting people your full attention. Put everything else out of your mind when you are with them. Develop good listening skills; show a heart full of sympathy. Provide hope and support.

Grief is a profound spiritual and emotional problem. Resist the temptation to rebuke, correct, or lecture such people.

2. Focus on the Word.

Let Scripture be the center of your visit. Read a brief, fitting portion with emphasis and feeling. Remember that guidance without Scripture is false guidance, so reflect warmly and personally on the portion read. Relieve their suffering by pointing them in one way or another to Jesus Christ, the complete Savior and Lord, the perfect Physician, and the ultimate sacrificial and caring Shepherd. Never let a visit pass without leaving behind the savor of the world’s best and most able Pastor.

3. Bathe your ministry in prayer.

Pray earnestly for the grieving in their presence and in their absence. Pray wholeheartedly for healing and for submission. Pray for divine intervention and sanctification of the grief. I often find it helpful to pray for someone as soon as I have a basic grasp of his or her sorrow, then again in closing. The closing prayer is usually the most important part of your pastoral ministry to the grieving because you have a full grasp of their situation as you lift them up to the throne of God. In some cases, particularly beside deathbeds, you may want to pray with the suffering two or three times, then again with relatives in the presence of the sick or in a visitors’ lounge.

Encourage the grieving to pray as well. Teach them that praying and ministering to others who grieve can help alleviate their own grief.

4. Involve the flock.

Alert your elders to such cases in non-confidential cases. When appropriate and needed, look for other office-bearers and members of the church who may be able to help. In particular, find wise, empathetic, and mature female counselors to assist grieving females. 

Remember …

Remember that the grieving and dying are facing many terrors, so offer comfort to the saved and evangelize the unsaved. As a physician of souls, use your best energy to unveil Christ’s fullness and to check the activities of Satan. Pray with the warmth and caring that reflects the ministry of our High Priest (Heb. 4:15), asking for wisdom to respond to people’s needs scripturally, truthfully, and compassionately.

Remember that the most promising time to minister to people is when they are grieving. At that time, they are most willing to share their deepest feelings and are most receptive to guidance from the Word. What joy we feel as pastors when we see the grieving saved and growing in the grace and knowledge of Christ under our shepherding (2 Pet. 3:18)!

Remember to minister also to those who regularly grieve. Do not weary of them. Fetch additional strength by remembering that you are a co-laborer with the Holy Spirit in ministering to the grieving (2 Cor. 6:1). You are an agent of the Spirit, who has called you to your work, enables and equips you for it, and works through you by His Word to comfort the grieving (1 Pet. 1:12). Such an honor far outweighs all the challenges and trials of church work.

Remember, “let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith” (Gal. 6:9–10).

And one day, you shall hear your Master Shepherd—the one who calls out to grieving souls, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28)—calling you home with these joyful, tear-producing, gracious words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord” (Matt. 25:21).  

©2024 Joel Beeke. Used with permission.