Helping Pastor’s Kids Navigate Loss of Friendships When Things Change

Growing up as a Pastor’s kid can be a wonderful and stable experience. However, it can also be unsettling and exasperating, depending on how families manage relational upheavals. I am thinking of two specific situations that ministry families face.   

First, when your children’s friends leave the church. Of course, there are differing reasons a friend’s family may be heading elsewhere. They might be following a parent’s new employment opportunity to another place, or it might be a more difficult issue where the family is leaving the church due to conflict or dissatisfaction. 

Discussing whether someone should or should not leave a particular church is a matter for a different article. Whether the family leaves on happy or difficult terms, your child has still lost a friend. The second circumstance is when you are called to a different place, and your child needs to leave friends behind.

Whether their friends leave them behind or they leave friends behind, there is still a sense of loss. How can you help them through this? Here are several things that you need to keep in mind.

Family as the Primary Human Relationship

An important principle that has been sounded throughout the years, through the Scriptures and in many articles like this one, is that the Lord has established the family as the primary human relationship.

The relationship between parents and children is the first of the ten commandments that address horizontal relationships among people after codifying man’s responsibilities to God (Exodus 20:12). It is in the home where your children need to receive acceptance, care, and friendship. They need to know that whatever storms might be brewing, their home is an anchor of stability. They need to know you respect, value, and hear them.

My wife Barbara and I faced a situation like this in which we were called from a church where our three children had friends to a church with very few children. This was a consideration for us as we prayerfully considered the change, but we moved forward confidently to help our children make the transition.

Building Trust and Confidence with Your Child

But please understand that this trust and confidence between you and your child isn’t a switch you can turn on and off. You build it over time, proving to them over and over that they are an important priority in your life.

This is especially important when you are in a circumstance where people have left your church for “unhappy reasons.” There may be things that your children don’t understand and you can’t explain to them. This is why you must do all you can to be worthy of their trust before trouble arises.

The conversations that arise about others must always respect the biblical parameters of godly communication, such as the words Paul wrote to the Ephesians: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29). These are important words to guide us at home, too. 

Moving to a New Location

If your family is moving to a new church in a new location, take advantage of opportunities for your children to connect with new friends either in church, school, or neighborhood. In this circumstance, you must proceed based on your child’s personality. Some kids have no trouble making new friends. Others are less outgoing. The latter child will require you to be more sensitive. “Forcing” them before they are ready or comfortable can do more harm than good.

Not only can you encourage your children to make new friends in the new location, but these days, social media makes it possible to stay in touch with old friends, too. You can also make it possible for your child to visit their old friends or to have those friends come for a visit.  

Turn to the Lord in Isolation

Finally, there are many times in the Christian life when any of us can feel lonely or isolated. These challenges often come during times of transition. This is the case for our children as well, and they have many times of transition ahead of them.

Earlier, I mentioned that the primary human relationship is the family. But the most important relationship of all for you and for your children is with the Lord. We must provide stability for our children in the home and constantly point them to the One who will always be with them in all circumstances for the rest of their lives. He is the only one who can say, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). God reminds us of His presence throughout the Bible, including this wonderful promise in Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Having confidence in His presence will be an anchoring relationship for them when human relationships change.

©2024 Tim Witmer. Used with permission.