Should Pastors Shield Their Kids from Church Conflict?

“We have serious concerns about the direction of the worship services.” 

“There is no reason for us to trust your leadership based on our previous conversations about…”

“I am not sure why you ever accepted the call to pastor this church.”

“If you had a better grasp on leadership, we wouldn’t be dealing with this…” 

Perhaps you’ve received these types of statements in “love letters” from members of the congregation under your pastoral care. They often herald a season of late nights, extra meetings with elders, more emails than usual, and at least one or two migraines. 

Like many pastors, I wear at least two hats every day: lead pastor and dad. I have six kids, and with this small pile of Mini-Me’s comes constant pressure at home and in ministry. How much do I share at home when things with our elder board, a staff person, or a congregant aren’t all sunshine and rainbows? How much should we, as pastors, protect our kids’ innocence from church conflict?

The Apostle Paul spoke of living at peace with each other (Romans 12, 1 Thess. 4), and yes, desiring peace is a hallmark of being a gentle shepherd. And yet, Jesus Himself said He did not come to bring peace, but a sword (Matt. 10). Church conflict often follows when the Gospel confronts the patterns of sinfulness affecting all our souls and lives—and as pastors, we’re responsible for bringing that uncomfortable message to our churches. Conflict is the friction that can reduce my ego, refine my perspective, and spark more significant growth for everyone involved.

That doesn’t necessarily mean every problem area or tough conversation needs to work its way into your dinner conversation or car ride with your family, though. I discovered that four key questions can help filter whether any given situation, conversation, or moment of church conflict is allowed to enter our home.

1. Is this beneficial for my kids?

Our most present ministry as pastors will never be about how many books we write, how many sermons we preach, or how many churches we help plant; it’s how well we pastor our family. This is our primary ministry: shepherding those inside our home. For every piece of church conflict, I need to consider whether my kids will benefit from knowing it exists.

If a key relationship, such as with another family in our church, will be affected—maybe even leading to that family leaving our body of believers—I see value in telling my kids about the conflict. If the conflict falls in an area where I see my kids struggling, it can be a learning opportunity for me to model what I pray is a Christlike response. 

If I see a real benefit in having them know about the situation, I move to the next question.

2. Is this gossip?

As pastors, we all understand the danger of gossip, right? Over nearly twenty years of pastoring, I can recall moments when I started gossiping about a moment of church conflict with my kids. The reason? I wanted to feel justified in my response to it. Every time that’s happened, I feel the guilt of gossip, whether in the moment or sometime later. 

However, there are many ways to share about church conflict while still protecting other people’s privacy. Proverbs 20:19 says, “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip.” I want my kids to see me model this principle in the privacy of our home. 

If I can find that balance, I move on to the third question.

3. Is this God-honoring?

Even if a church-conflict situation can be a good life lesson and protect the other person’s privacy, sharing it with my family still may not honor God. Learning resilience, modeling how to ask good questions, and seeking to understand others first are all noble pursuits in navigating conflict as a pastor and parenting our kids along the way. However, even “good” lessons do not automatically honor God.

I often need to consider my motives when mentioning church conflict.

Will God be glorified more by me not doing so? Throughout Scripture, we see instances of God’s people letting their silence set the stage for Him to show His mighty hand. James 1:19–20 says, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” By being slow to speak, we are quick to let God handle the outcome and produce the righteousness He desires. 

4. How can this produce good fruit?

If sharing about a church conflict is beneficial, God-honoring, and not gossiping, how can I frame this situation to help encourage good “fruit” to grow in my kids’ faith? How can this situation help us become more loving, peaceable, patient, kind, joyful, gentle, and disciplined? How can I use it as a teaching moment to shepherd my kids’ hearts toward a God-honoring outcome? Let’s not forget that “self-control” is one of the fruits of the Spirit (Gal. 5:23), and we want our kids to see us live a life controlled by God’s Spirit more than our own (Rom. 8:5). 

These four questions have helped me to avoid serious problems, missteps, and poor decisions. 

Conflict is inevitable as a pastor. How our kids see us respond to it and how we discuss it with them, when necessary, can show them what the Gospel truly means.

We have a profound opportunity to let the power of God’s wisdom, the truths of Scripture, and the glorious Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ guide our minds and hearts through conflict—and help us execute our primary ministry to our families well.

Josh Weidmann is the senior pastor of Grace Chapel in Denver, Colorado. He regularly publishes at joshweidmann.com.

©2024 Josh Weidmann. Used with permission.