a pastor holding his young daughter as they look at the ocean together

Helping Your Pastor Husband Minister to Your Children

Because you are a mother, the Lord has equipped you with maternal traits which are designed by God to minister to your children. You are naturally tuned in to the ups and downs of each member of your household. Even though your husband is a wonderful pastor, he may not see the hardships of the young ones in his home. He needs your help!

Perhaps your husband is away from the house during the day. His evenings are probably taken up with meetings or pastoral home visits. The weekends are filled with sports activities with the kids, working in the yard, and putting the finishing touches on his sermon. Sometimes a pastor can be so focused on his duties to his congregation that the hardships of his children go unnoticed. This need can become acute. You, his wife, are called to remind him of your concerns and to advise him on how to reach each of his kids. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Recognize that God calls your husband to serve his family even before he serves the church.

He must manage his household well and lead his children so that they are faithful, following their dad’s headship (see 1 Timothy 3:4 and Titus 1:6). This important mission is vital to maintaining the qualifications of your pastor-husband. Another verse describes the job of the father—to bring up his children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Realize that you serve your children, your church, and even your husband when you gently remind him about this responsibility (see Galatians 6:1).

Perhaps it doesn’t feel as pressing to him compared to the problems in the church. That’s where you can help. Encourage him to put his family’s concerns in perspective. The Scripture decrees this obligation. Perhaps you feel tempted to fear that it would be selfish to add to the pressure your husband already feels due to his pastoral responsibilities. Instead, I remind you that the pastor must know the needs of his family in order to manage the household well.

2. Be wise about choosing the time to discuss this issue.

I love the story of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. She was discerning as well as beautiful (verse 3). Abigail chose the best means to restrain David from bloodguilt and vengeance (verse 33). She hurried to bring food and drink to David and his fighting men. She appealed to David’s calling as the man of God with her wise and humble words (verses 23-31). When I read her speech before David, I find it striking that she appeals to his conscience. Not only this, she knew the best time to inform her husband about the crisis which affected the household. Abigail waited until her husband was done feasting and had become sober before she mentioned the danger they faced (verses 36-37). Abigail’s wisdom is an example to wives. There will be times when you will need to prompt your husband to focus on his children. Take the initiative at the appropriate time—Proverbs 25:11: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” For instance, wait until the Sunday rush is over or after he has planned an unexpected funeral service. Realize that many men are better able to handle loving correction after a good meal and the children have been put to bed.

3. Offer helpful suggestions for how your husband can serve your hurting child.

You may have a daughter who is struggling with fear at the start of a new school year. Your son could be floundering academically and has lost hope. A child might be coping with a bully on the playground. Your teen might be coming under the influence of a bad set of friends. The siblings seem constantly to fight and provoke each other. Your daughter could be struggling with her body image. Fathers may feel ill-equipped to handle some of these issues.

That’s when you can be a helper suitable for your husband (Genesis 2:18). Because you are a woman, you understand your daughter and her desire for her dad’s attention. You have probably read more parenting books than your husband. Maybe your favorite podcast just aired an episode which deals with one of the above issues. It could be that your child has told you that he is anxious and you know that his dad’s wisdom is just what is needed. Go ahead and mention to your husband your ideas and recommendations.

To summarize, the role of a pastor’s wife is important to her husband, her church, and her children. You have insight into the hidden needs of your children. Some husbands become so consumed with ministry that they can inadvertently lose sight of their family. This responsibility is even more crucial for the man in ministry because positive interactions with his family are a requirement for a leader of the church. You, his wife, are able to help your husband by gently reminding him of this God-given task. Be considerate about the time and location to present these needs.

Encourage your husband with specific ideas about how best to reach your hurting or wayward children. For example, many fathers decide to spend alone time with each child. Even now, I remember fondly the times my father would take me out on date nights, just the two of us. He made me feel valued and heard. He would invariably ask me to share my biggest problem and would offer to pray for me about anything which was on my heart. He wasn’t a pastor but ministered to me as a caring shepherd. May the Lord bless you as you serve your husband and your family.

©2023 Caroline Newheiser. Used with permission.

About The Author

Caroline Newheiser
Caroline Newheiser

Caroline Newheiser is the Assistant Coordinator of Women’s Counseling at Reformed Theological Seminary-Charlotte. She has been a pastor’s wife for over 40 years.

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