How to Help Pastor's Kids Find Their Identity

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Today’s culture of varied worldviews, the general rejection of objective truth, and the deification of fierce individualism makes it a distinctly difficult time in history for anyone–especially young people–to find their identity. It seems as if the emphasis is more often on creating an identity than discovering it, a tacit rejection of God as Creator. Voices and values compete. 

While this worldview morass has certainly oozed into the Christian church a bit and left some stains, by and large the Bible remains the governing authority. It is God’s revelation of himself and his purposes. It declares the good news of the gospel. And it still defines morality. Thus the church, when it is faithful, stands in contrast to the world.

The unique position of PKs

And all of this puts pastors’ kids in a uniquely weird and difficult position when it comes to discovering their identity. They are confronted with loud, competing voices telling them how to discover who they are. I suspect that most pastors’ and their spouses are relatively aware of the worldly influences on our children, and we take steps to counter-catechize them. We remind them of the truths of the Bible. We emphasize participation in church as the body of Christ. Then we attempt to help our kids see that a person’s true identity can only be found in Christ. But for a PK “in Christ” is a difficult reality to discover. And what we sometimes overlook is that our efforts to imbue this true identity into our children are actually stirring up greater confusion. 

Confusion about Christ

PKs are, in a sense, surrounded by Christ all the time. He is the subject of conversation. He is the end of every prayer (and there are a lot of those). Christ is in nearly every song sung at church (at least He should be). He is preached about (and they hear all the sermons). Jesus is the right answer to most Sunday school questions. His name is printed on the side of the church or on a banner in the lobby. Jesus is so constant that He can become easy to ignore, like the wall color or carpet pattern.

Jesus is also dad’s boss for a PK. They know that He called dad to this work and that dad reports to Him. That means at least three things. First, it means that Jesus can be very impersonal. It is hard to know how to have a personal relationship with the guy who runs your dad’s life. Second, it means that dad’s job has unassailable moral superiority and PKs can’t complain about its demands or difficulties. Third, this moral supremacy can lead to resentment at Jesus because he demands difficult things of dad, puts strain on the family, and there is little recourse.

For many PKs Jesus is subject matter, something to be studied and memorized and understood intellectually. They become doctrinally adept and biblically well-versed. They can articulate truths about Jesus without knowing Jesus. 

Pressure

And then there is the external pressure placed on PKs by this collection of people called “the body of Christ”–pressures to act a certain way, to speak (or not speak) a certain way, to know certain things, and generally to measure up to a certain standard. And even if the church is kind and gracious to PKs, which many are, there is the pressure of awareness: everyone in the church knows who the PKs are, and that makes a person feel very scrutinized. 

It’s easy to read all this and dismiss it as hyperbole. Or to dismiss it as “not the case at my church” or “not the case in my family.” I hope that is true as it pertains to every challenge I have presented here. And I am almost certain it is not. While not all PKs struggle with all these pressures and barriers, and while many PKs may not be able to articulate all of this, nearly all of them struggle at various times with various aspects of what I have written here. They encounter barriers to a deep experience of knowing Christ and being known by him in all its richness. 

How parents can help their kids find their identity

All is not lost, and I am not writing this to discourage or depress pastors. I’m writing it to draw your awareness to these unique challenges. In fact, there are so many reasons for hope and optimism about the spiritual future of our children, primarily the fact that God is so gracious. Think back to your adolescence. How foolish were you? How rebellious were you? Were you arrogant? Were you oblivious to the goodness of Jesus? If you were like me, the answer to each question is very. Yet God was patient and gracious to save, to rescue, to bring you to life in Jesus. And he hasn’t changed, so why can’t he do the same for our children, no matter the challenges they face? 

Even better, we get to be conduits of his grace. We get to be “God’s fellow workers” in our families and in fact that is our primary calling, even before our calling to serve his church. Here are five ways parents can point our children to their identity in Jesus. 

1. Emphasize a single standard for all Christians: life in Christ.

The pastor’s family is not extra-Christian no matter the scrutiny we may be under. We are saved by grace. We are to be repentant for our sins. We belong to Jesus, depend on Jesus, and take joy in Jesus. So what our kids need to see and hear is foundational Christian faithfulness, not extra-Christian standards of knowledge or behavior. 

2. Take joy in Jesus.

Let me clarify this with a Spurgeon-esque phrase: be happy in Jesus. Jesus should make our hearts glad and our kids should see that. We are not joyful in some obscure theological way that looks a lot like somberness and misery. We are joyful in such a way that it’s obvious we think life in Christ is the best, the most freeing, the most amazing. We talk about it. We exude it in our attitudes. We make it personal so that our children know what Jesus has done in and for us, not just in a broad sense for the world. We show that Jesus is not opposed to fun but rather gives us freedom to enjoy his creation and enhances our fun by giving us a wonderful community to share it with. When our kids see this, they can begin to see Jesus as magnetic and desirable instead of obligatory and impersonal. 

3. Take joy in the church.

This community that Jesus has formed (Ephesians 2), his church, is not to be  our mere vocation or obligation. It is our household, our home, our place of wholeness and gladness. It’s not utopia, but it is God’s good design intended to be a community where the love and work of Jesus is manifest.

So our kids need to see us not just prioritizing church–that can be perceived as a legalistic burden–but delighting in it. They need to see us happy to be there, welcoming our church family into our home, and enjoying time with them. And they need to hear us honoring the church and expressing gratitude for it. Our children will take their cues from us. If we love the church, they will feel free to as well. If we don;t love and delight in the church . . . why are we even in ministry at all? 

4. Give your kids permission to question, and ask them questions.

It is not a threat if your kids ask “why” about church or ask deep questions about theology or struggle with the reality of the gospel. It is an opportunity for gentle honesty, for clear truth, for admission of need (your own and theirs). When they pose questions and we respond with patience and grace it is an open door for the Holy Spirit to stir their hearts and open their eyes. And in return, we should pose probing questions about their hearts and their struggles. We can’t force honesty, but we can show them that it is welcome and safe. PKs so often feel the pressure to have all the right answers and guilt at not having them. Invite them into the gentleness of Jesus with their uncertainties and struggles. 

5. Pray for liveliness in Jesus.

Maybe your children professed faith in Jesus when they were six or eight or twelve. Maybe, hopefully, that was real. And maybe their faith is struggling, starved by the struggles of being a PK. They are real Christians but are dried up husks on the inside. Or maybe your kids have not yet professed faith in Jesus and are keeping him at arm’s length. Either way, they need the same thing–to come alive to Jesus. This is our heart’s main desire as parents. We yearn for our children to know Jesus and delight in him, to have their eyes opened to the infinite horizons of goodness he offers in this life and the next. And we can’t make it happen–not with sermons or disciplines or lessons or counsel. Only the Holy Spirit can, so we pray and pray and pray. 

These five actions are not steps in a formula. They are more like ingredients in an environment, an environment where Jesus is more real and more beautiful. We cannot change our children’s hearts or open their eyes, but we can lessen the distance and lower the barriers between them and Christ. And Christ is where they will find their identity–him in them and them in him. 

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