Pastors, Let's Help People Experience Joy in Times of Sorrow

We buried my mother 10 years ago. She had battled Parkinson’s disease for five years and spent her last three weeks in the hospital. It was an honor to be at her side those final days on earth, along with my father, brother, sister, and other precious family members and friends.

It may sound strange, but I experienced profound sorrow and joy as we gathered around my mother’s hospital bed. “And” is the keyword in that sentence. I anticipated the sorrow but was surprised by the simultaneous joy. And I’m a pastor.

In my 37 years of pastoral ministry, I’ve been with dozens of families as they say goodbye to their loved ones. But this time, I experienced both the sorrow and the joy personally.

It may sound strange, but sitting in that hospital room, I found myself thinking, “I want my brothers and sisters in Christ to experience this same joy when the day comes for them to say goodbye to their loved ones.”

I want this for you, too, my pastor friend, and for the sheep under your care. That’s why I’ve written this article. I first shared the seed thoughts of these reflections with my church family the day after my mother’s funeral. Afterward, a brother approached me and said, “Thank you, pastor. That was very helpful. I plan to use what you’ve shared with my own family.” And then he added, “I think you need to put this in writing so others can benefit. Do it while your experience is still fresh.”

I took his advice, and here it is.

How Does It Happen?

Pastors, how can we help our people experience joy during the sorrow that accompanies saying goodbye to a loved one? It starts with recognizing that joy is a gift. It’s the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22) and belongs to those who personally know the author of joy (John 15:5, 11).

Yet the experience of Jesus’ joy isn’t automatic. Certain activities promote its reality. This helps explain why two people who profess faith in Jesus can go through the same process of losing a loved one, yet one does so with joy and the other without it.

What are these activities that cultivate our hearts for joy in the sorrow? Paul identifies them for us at the end of his letter to the church at Ephesus. After spending the first three chapters marveling at what we have if we are in Christ, the apostle concludes his letter with a host of implications, including this one.

“Be filled with the Spirit.” – Ephesians 5:18

The Holy Spirit Brings Joy to the Hospital Room

After the command to be filled with the Spirit, Paul uses a series of participles to show what happens when believers yield to the control of the Holy Spirit. Spirit-filled people do the following:

• Address one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs
• Sing and make melody to the Lord with your heart
• Give thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ
• Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:18-21 ESV).”

When the Spirit of Christ fills the people of Christ, this is tangible evidence. There will be Christ-honoring speaking, singing, melody-making, giving thanks, and submitting to one another.

Looking back, this is what we experienced as a family in my mother’s hospital room. Fellow pastor, I also desire this for the people you and I lead. And we can help them. How? We must encourage the saints to practice these Spirit-enabled, joy-producing activities.

Listen to God-Exalting Music Together

When we are sitting at a loved one’s bedside, we have the opportunity to talk, which is a blessing. But we also have the opportunity to listen.

Think of the sounds we hear in a hospital room. The oxygen machine, the air vents, the moaning patient in the next bed, the nurse working in the next room. For most of us, these are unfamiliar, even unpleasant sounds.

This means a familiar sound (like a cherished hymn) can bring great cheer. My mother loved Gaither’s music, so we listened multiple times to her favorites, such as “Because He Lives,” “He Touched Me,” “There’s Something About That Name,” and “The King is Coming.”

It’s been said that the music of the church is take-home theology. We can take it to the hospital, too. Listening to music is an encouraging way to be reminded of who we are and what we know as followers of Christ.

Sing Gospel-Centered Songs Together

By this, I mean songs that retell the story of what Jesus Christ did for us. For instance, we sang “Victory in Jesus” as a family in Mom’s hospital room (and at her memorial service, too). The lyrics rehearse what the Sovereign Lord did to rescue us and give us eternal life.

I heard an old, old story,

How a Savior came from glory,

How He gave His life on Calvary

To save a wretch like me;

I heard about His groaning,

Of His precious blood’s atoning,

Then I repented of my sins

And won the victory.

Your people may not have a songbook with them in that hospital room. That’s okay. Encourage them to sing from memory and not worry if they miss a few words. The goal isn’t to entertain. It’s to encourage by affirming truth.

Granted, there will be times when your people won’t feel like singing. That’s understandable. We didn’t sing together a lot as a family, but when we did, it was hope-giving.

Read God’s Word Together

Suppose a parishioner says to you, “Pastor, if only God would speak to us during this difficult time. It would help us immensely.”

Here’s the wonderful reality. God speaks to us every time we open His Word. As pastors, we have watched God do this many times, haven’t we? He takes the simple reading of His Word and puts hope into needy hearts.

Let’s encourage people to open their Bibles and simply read together. We might even suggest some passages. Here are a few that put joy into our hearts in that difficult time. Psalm 23, 46, 121, 131; Romans 8:18-39; 2 Corinthians 5:1-10, and 1 Peter 1:3-10.

The Psalmist gave this surprising testimony when he said, “It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decrees (Psalm 119:71).” Affliction itself is not good, but it can lead to it if we make God’s Word central to the experience.

Pray Together

It’s staggering to think that the Almighty Creator of heaven and earth listens to our lowly cry. But He does when we approach Him through the merit of His Son.

Let’s encourage our people to pray when death is approaching, to do so individually and as families. Encourage them to spend time calling upon the Giver of life. Remind them to worship Him, adore Him, express their love for Him, and bring their needs to Him. And, of course, invite them to bring their fears, concerns, and burdens to Him as well.

Look at Family Pictures Together

I know there’s a personal element in the grieving process. The hurting family in your church may not have hundreds of pictures stashed away as ours did. Yet regardless of whether it’s hundreds or just a few, the hospital room is a fitting place to get out the old pictures, reflect, tell stories, laugh, and cry. And do it together.

Take Breaks Together

Though we spent a lot of time with Mom in her hospital room, we also left her at times. To get a meal, take a walk, make phone calls to update family and friends, or get some rest. Again, not all families are the same; some may choose otherwise. But we found it beneficial to leave the hospital at times, assured that our loved one was receiving quality care from the hospice staff. And each time we left her room, we entrusted Mom to the One who ordained the number of her days before He ever created the universe (Psalm 139:16).

Expressing Thanks Together for God’s gifts

Even in a time of loss, God still sends wonderful gifts our way. It’s easy to overlook them. Joy comes to those who see His gifts and express thanks for them. It’s important to express appreciation for the doctors and nurses who provide selfless care, church family and friends who visit, pray, and send cards, and neighbors who prepare meals.

The Lord gave us a special reason to give thanks that did not seem apparent at first. It had to do with the question, “How long?” On two different nights, we received a phone call from the hospital staff member who said, “We think it’s time.” So, our family gathered around Mom’s bed, said our goodbyes, and committed her to the Lord’s hands. But He didn’t take her home.

Mom just hung on in that unconscious state for days. Why would the Lord allow our loved one to lay there hour after hour, day after day? Certainly, the Sovereign Lord has a million reasons for what He does, but one that became apparent to us and resulted in immediate thanksgiving was this.

Our mother’s extended life meant more opportunities for her family to enjoy time together. We don’t experience that very often since we live so far apart, as is the case for many families. Mom’s prolonged life resulted in more time together for us, a blessing that led to thanks, which resulted in our increased joy.

Plan a Christ-exalting memorial service together

As it became apparent that the Lord was taking Mom home to be with Him, we began to talk about her memorial service. Please encourage your people to do the same, my pastor friend. Remind them that funeral services are not for the dead as much as for the living. When a believer in Christ dies, the family has a special opportunity to put together a memorial service that will exalt the Savior.

As you know, there are many details to consider when preparing a memorial service. While these can be burdensome, they can also give us occasion to see the Living God work in ways that reflect His sufficiency.

It’s our privilege as pastors to facilitate this planning process. We can help our people prepare a God-exalting eulogy, pick Christ-honoring songs, identify appropriate Scriptures to read, and so forth. It’s beautiful to see what can happen when family members work together to plan a memorial service.

Affirm the gospel together

Death does not follow a script, at least not one that we write. This means there can be awkward, frustrating moments in the dying process. These moments give our people cause to go back and affirm what they truly believe.

It’s not like it appears in the movies.

Some say that death is natural. Not so, according to the Bible. Death exists in God’s world because the first man rebelled against the Creator, and so death passed upon all men, for all have sinned (Romans 5:12).

But the good news is that God sent His only Son into the world to defeat this great foe of death. Based on His Son’s perfect life, substitutionary death, and victorious resurrection, God gives the hope of life beyond the grave, not to those who deserve it, but to those who believe that His Son accomplished it.

My fellow shepherd, this is why our people can experience joy in their time of sorrow. Saying goodbye to their loved one is the perfect time to affirm personally and together as families the good news of Jesus Christ. As pastors, it’s our privilege to help them do just that.

©2024 Brad Brandt. Used with permission.