Pastors, No One's Life Is in Your Hands. It's in God's

Pastors, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF ANYONE UNDER YOUR CARE WHO TAKES HIS LIFE!

“Of course I’m not,” you may be saying to yourself, or “No kidding! Why would I think a thing like that?”

If those thoughts come to mind, that is probably a good indication you have never had someone close to you commit suicide. If you have had someone close to you commit suicide, then you know exactly why I am writing this. So let me say it again: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE WHO COMMITS SUICIDE! If you don’t remember anything else from this article, remember that.

Dealing with Suicide in the Church

Suicide surrounds us. According to the World Health Organization, more than 720,000 people commit suicide every year.¹ That is almost the entire population of San Francisco.² Among young people (ages 15-29), it is the third leading cause of death.³ Among children 10-14 years of age in the U.S., it is the second leading cause of death.⁴ In 2021, almost twice as many people died by their own hands than were killed by others.⁵ These statistics are why some are declaring an epidemic of suicide in the United States.⁶

While these statistics are staggering and alarming, nothing brings the reality, the weight, the pain, of suicide to your doorstep like losing someone you love to suicide. Grieving suicide in ministry is real. Many of you already know this. It is hard to be alive in a world filled with self-inflicted death without knowing someone who has committed suicide. If you have not yet lost someone to suicide, I hate to sound pessimistic but, keep on pastoring, and you will. It is almost inevitable.

This blog is not about what to do to prevent suicide, or how to care for a family in the aftermath of suicide. It doesn’t address all that could be said about caring for yourself when you have lost someone by suicide. It is narrowly focused on the question that will come: “Could I have done anything to prevent this?”

Most of us would acknowledge that, theologically, this question is obviously out of place.

We don’t hold anyone’s life in our hands. We don’t number anyone’s days. Those are things that only God can do (Psalm 139:16; 31:15, Job 14:5). However, when someone close to you commits suicide, these questions will creep in.

A few years back, I received an email letting me know that someone I had counseled years before had taken her life. Even though I had taught on the topic of suicide and told numerous other counselors that they should not take responsibility for anyone’s suicide, I couldn’t stop the questions from coming. Was there something I missed in counseling years ago? Could I have picked up on something that would have altered this outcome?

Did I miss an email? Could I have been more proactive in reaching out in the years since? I didn’t invite these questions, but they came anyway.

Entrust Them to the Lord

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying to take suicide lightly or that you have no role to play in turning people away from suicide. Every pastor should take time to learn common warning signs of suicide. Every pastor should pursue training that will help them guide people to safety when they are a danger to themselves. Knowing the severity and prevalence of this issue, it would be foolish to remain uninformed. But remember, no matter how much or how little training you have, a person’s decision to end his life is his decision. It is ultimately between him and God.

The most well-trained counselors on the planet do not always see indications that someone is thinking about ending her life. Time and again, people testify in the aftermath of a suicide that there were no indicators. Going over the checklists, questions, and screenings is no guarantee. Someone could sit in front of you and declare they will not hurt himself, then walk out the door and change his mind. No pastor on the planet can guarantee everyone they counsel will turn away from suicide.

Be informed. Get training. Listen well. Love well. But remember that no one’s life is ultimately in your hands; they are in God’s. He loves them more than you ever could. The loss of one of your church members will rightfully always hurt. But when one of them decides to take his life, it will hurt more. Grieve those losses to the Lord. Allow others to come alongside you and help bear your burdens, but do not carry the burden of responsibility for that person’s life.

©2024 Curtis Solomon. Used with permission.

1. “Suicide,” accessed September 9, 2024, https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/suicide. ↩︎
2. “List of United States Cities by Population,” in Wikipedia, August 20, 2024, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.phptitle=List_of_United_States_cities_by_population&0Idid=1241231580. ↩︎
3. “Suicide.” ↩︎
4. “Suicide – National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH),” accessed September 9, 2024, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide. ↩︎
5. “Suicide – National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).” ↩︎
6. “The Ongoing Epidemic of Youth Suicide in America | Psychology Today,” accessed September 9, 2024, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/decisions-teens- ↩︎