Pastor's Wife, You Really Do Belong
The following article is a preview of Katie Faris ‘s pre-conference message at The Focused Pastor Couples Conference 24.
“What is it like to be a pastor’s wife?” If you’ve ever been asked this question, it’s possible you’ve been tempted to flip it around and ask, “Well, what is it like to be married to a farmer or an engineer?” Seriously, though, what is it like to be married to a pastor? How would you answer this question?
Though married to someone in ministry, you probably share a lot in common with other church members. You shop at many of the same stores and share similar interests. More significantly, you too are a sinner in need of a Savior who finds hope in the gospel of Jesus Christ (Romans 3:23-26).
At the same time, being married to a pastor means something. Along with unique opportunities to support your husband’s life work, you face the particular challenges of being a pastor’s wife. In the same sentence, you might describe your role as both demanding and rewarding. It might be both life-giving and stretching. In more difficult seasons, you might even feel lost and lonely in your life as a pastor’s wife.1 In those times, it’s easy to wonder, “Do I even belong?”
Reasons for Feeling Loneliness in Ministry
There are many reasons a pastor’s wife might feel out of place or as if she doesn’t belong.
- Her church expects her to act a certain way or do certain things.
- Her season of life or family responsibilities, such as caring for an elderly parent or child with disabilities, limits her church involvement.
- Her circumstances, such as serving in a smaller, rural church, make finding like-minded friends difficult.
- Her own poor attitude makes it hard to participate in church life joyfully.
- Her husband is so overwhelmed that his priorities become out-of-whack, her family is impacted, and she feels isolated at home.
- The surprises and busyness of ministry life overwhelm her.
While feelings in the midst of challenging circumstances may be strong, they don’t always speak truthfully to us. When those feelings come, we need to remember the narrative of Scripture, which tells us that we really do belong. If this is something you struggle to believe today, consider what God’s word says about your belonging.
1. You Belong to the Lord
Having placed faith in Jesus for the forgiveness of your sins, you are a new creation. The old has gone away, and the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17). Adopted into God’s family, your primary identity is now rooted in God’s abundant, steadfast love for you (Romans 8:15; Ephesians 3:17). What’s more, as Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, “you are not your own, for you were bought with a price.” You belong to the Lord. You are his. You are part of “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession”(1 Peter 2:9, emphasis mine). Why? “That you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9).
2. You Belong to Your Husband (as He Does to You)
You belong to the Lord, and in a very real sense, through the marriage covenant, you also belong to your man—as he does to you (Ephesians 5). You go together. He may be the pastor, but as his wife, you are his helper, his confidant, his lover, and his dear friend. By extension, if you have children, you belong to them.
This sense of belonging to one another within our homes grounds us, especially during church crises and transitions, and it’s important that we nurture these connections with our words and memory building. Doing so builds a strong defense against feeling lost and alone, not just for us, but also for our spouses and children.
3. You Belong to the Church
As a member of the body of Christ, your membership in your local congregation matters. It would matter even if your husband wasn’t the pastor, so it certainly matters when he is. You need your brothers and sisters in Christ, and they need the gifts you have to offer (see 1 Corinthians 12).
As pastors’ wives, we certainly aren’t the only ones who can feel left out or out of place in our churches. When we are confident that we belong to the Lord, our spouses, and our churches not only are we less likely to feel lost and lonely ourselves, but we are positioned to help other women find their place in God’s family as well.
When Ministry is Challenging
That might all sound good in theory, but maybe people have spoken thoughtless words, or even cruel ones, to you. Maybe you carry deep church hurt. If so, you might find it even more difficult to connect the dots between what God says in his word and what your heart feels. Perhaps you can relate to the following story.
My husband Scott is both a pastor and a pastor’s son. His parents enjoyed a fruitful ministry for more than two decades at a larger church, and they would later serve a smaller church faithfully for a decade. Between those churches, though, they had one very short church pastorate—less than a year—that scarred them.
There was no big sin on Scott’s parents’ part, but despite my mother-in-law’s good will and sincere efforts, the church didn’t welcome or accept her. It was quickly made clear to both of Scott’s parents that they didn’t measure up to the church leadership’s expectations and were no longer wanted there. My father-in-law resigned, and my mother-in-law felt terribly hurt and lonely.
What do we do when such things happen? Do we really still belong?
Yes, we do. No matter what happens in ministry, or even in life, we still belong to the Lord. Nothing can change that. As Paul writes, nothing can “separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39). This includes church hurt.
The Challenges of the Pastor’s Wife and the Grace of God
By God’s grace, if the Lord continues to lead your husband to serve in pastoral ministry, or if the Lord leads him down a different path, your heart can heal. Ask him to help you love his Church, his Bride, even when it feels impossible in your own strength. What informs and motivates such a prayer? Despite betrayal and abandonment, Jesus gave his life for his Church. He surrendered his body and his rights. He humbled himself by “becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:8).
However you answer the question about what it is like to be a pastor’s wife, remember, you do belong. You belong to the Lord, you belong to your husband, and you belong to the Church, Christ’s Bride. Let the truth of these realities ground you, no matter what your feelings tell you today.
©2024 Katie Faris. Used with permission.
- Read Katie Faris’s ebook, How Not to Get Lost and Lonely in Your Husband’s Ministry, for further encouragement and biblical wisdom on this subject. ↩︎
About The Author
Katie Faris
Katie Faris is a pastor’s wife and mother of five living in New Jersey. She is the author of God Is Still Good: Gospel Hope & Comfort for the Unexpected Sorrows of Motherhood.