The Importance of Being a Dad First

Years ago, I sat in a Q and A session with an experienced pastor and his wife. At one point, the conversation turned toward the family/work/life balance, and the following example stuck with me:

Driving home from his church office, his head full of pastoral concerns, this pastor routinely parked his car a few blocks from his house. Why? When he opened the front door and greeted his wife and kids, he wanted to be fully present with them, ready to jump into home life and all that entailed. But he knew that wouldn’t happen automatically. So his practice was to pull over, pause, and pray for God’s help. Then, he would flip his engine back on and drive the rest of the way home.

A number of things stand out to me about this practice, and that’s probably why I still remember it. First, it highlights a pastor’s real burdens and acknowledges that they travel with him; they don’t stay at work. Next, I see humility on display. Recognizing that he couldn’t be who he wanted to be for his family or serve them the way he desired in his own strength, this pastor sought God to do in him and for him what he couldn’t accomplish on his own. Perhaps most instructive is one of the principles behind this practice, and that’s this: the importance of a pastor being a dad first at home.

If you’re a pastor and a father, your kids need you. You are “Dad” first to them. They need you to hug and wrestle them, listen to their stories, and look at their projects. Your job may extend outside of typical work hours, and a counseling phone call may interrupt a family meal occasionally, but your children have a right to your attention and affection, and you have a responsibility to instruct them.

Why does this matter?

Being “Dad” first at home matters because it matters in Scripture. In 1 Timothy 3:4, among other qualifications, an overseer “must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” A pastor who is a family man has a responsibility to “manage his own household well.” To do this, he must be involved. This requires physical and emotional presence, spending time with and knowing the members of his household.

In the Old Testament, Eli is a negative example of this (see 1 Samuel 2). An indolent man with out-of-control sons, the Lord punishes him “’ for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them’” (1 Samuel 3:13). This is a warning to pastors.

Don’t neglect the spiritual instruction of your children, using care for your flock as an excuse, but “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” as a faithful father ought (Ephesians 6:4).

A pastor’s care loads are significant, and transitioning between work and home life is a dance, but this shouldn’t surprise us. It’s part of the marriage-and-ministry package. Paul earnestly writes, “’ I wish that all were as I myself am,’” all the while recognizing that “each has his own gift from God” (1 Corinthians 7:7) and that while the gift of celibacy “permits single-minded devotion to the Lord’s work … his situation is not the norm. Remaining unmarried is a gift that many others do not have.”¹ By implication, the pastor who is married with children should expect parenting to take time and effort, to bring obligations and responsibilities. There will be distractions. Even so, “children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward” (Psalm 127:3), and they are a blessing to be cherished and cared for.

The opportunity

While there’s an inherent spiritual danger to the children of those in ministry, if you start with that recognition, there’s also an inherent opportunity, and there are ways to bridge family and work life. My husband Scott is both a pastor and a pastor’s son. He notes that while pastors’ children are at risk of “being embittered if ministry sacrifice jumps the rails and becomes an idolatrous substitute for being a loving parent,” a life lived close to pastoral ministry also provides an opportunity to see “the glory of God up close and real.”

While we want to protect our kids from burdens they shouldn’t bear, we don’t want to isolate them from joyful service in the church. It wasn’t unusual for Scott’s dad to come to him after dinner and say, “We’re going to visit…” He remembers sitting in many hospital waiting rooms, sometimes doing homework. As his dad included him in ministry work, not only did Scott enjoy talking with him, but Scott also learned to read people, grew a sense of independence, interacted comfortably with adults at a young age, and gained other life skills. (It didn’t hurt that a donut stop or some fast food on the way home was often part of the package).

A pastor’s family will feel the sacrifice. The question is, will they feel the blessing? It could be as simple as seeing Dad live what he preaches up close at home. My friend and fellow pastor’s wife Kristin tells me, “It’s [a] huge blessing that our children can see how the pastor [lives] his every day out in the same way he preaches each week.” But sometimes, it takes creativity to experience the blessing. In the past, if Scott put in a lot of extra hours in the summer, he sometimes made up for it by leaving work early on a Friday afternoon and driving our family to the beach for a swim and picnic dinner.

Your practices will look different, but the principle is the same. Be “Dad” first at home. This doesn’t mean that you completely compartmentalize; you’re still a pastor at home and a father when you do church work.

Ultimately, you’re a regular Christian guy (Galatians 2:20), a sinner saved by grace (Ephesians 2:8), and your children are regular kids. They need a dad who points them to Jesus.

©2023 Katie Faris. Used with permission.

1. ESV Study Bible, note on 1 Corinthians 7:6-7. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, p. 2199. ↩︎