The Threat of Betrayal in Finding Friends in Your Church
In the first part of this series, I addressed the temptation for pastors to isolate themselves in response to the assumptions and expectations people unduly place on them. This blog continues the theme that pastors need true friends in the churches they pastor but addresses a different threat: betrayal.
The Fear of Betrayal
“Don’t ever tell anyone in the church your struggle. They will eventually use it against you.” This was the advice from a well-meaning friend to my wife when we headed to our first pastoral position as a couple. The threat of betrayal is real. Gossip has hurt many pastors and their families. Many have been hurt when people misuse information shared in confidence. Many have been betrayed by people they trusted and once counted as close friends.
A common response to these hurts is the tendency to hide, isolate, cut off access to one’s heart, and erect barriers of self-protection. These responses are understandable. No one wants to be hurt, and people are especially averse to someone hurting their family members. While the tendency to cut off relationships to avoid hurt is common and understandable, that does not make it right or biblical. Jesus and His followers have known hurt and betrayal. Paul had people turn against him almost everywhere he went (2 Tim 1:15; 4:10, 16).
The closer someone is, the more the betrayal hurts. One of Paul’s betrayers had been someone who worked closely with him in ministry (2 Tim 4:10, Phlm 24, Col 4:14). At one point, he lists him as a close companion, but then his name appears as one who abandoned Paul and ministry for love of this world. This is another reason pastors are often guarded in their ministry. They know the closer someone gets, the more it will hurt, and potentially the more damage can be done if someone betrays them.
True Friendship Involves the Risk Betrayal
But we don’t see Paul turning away from intimate friendship as a result. Toward the end of his life, he is still reaching out to Timothy and Mark to help him bear the burdens of his life (Gal 6:1-2). The fact that someone may hurt you never justifies opting out of any relationship. Couples divorce all the time, but that doesn’t justify avoiding marriage.
This does not mean you should never defend yourself or wander through life carelessly, leaving yourself open to harm. Scripture encourages us to be “shrewd as serpents” (Matt 10:16). Paul, on occasion, invokes his rights as a Roman citizen to avoid harm or to demand justice (Acts 16:37-40; 22:25-29). But, at other times, he willingly bore rebuke, attack, and mistreatment for the sake of the gospel. Self-defense and wise caution are biblical, but self-protection at all costs is not.
The call from Scripture is clear: we need true friends. True friendship involves the risk of betrayal. Fear of betrayal can cause us to isolate out of self-protection. But neither absolute self-protection nor avoiding friendship are biblical attitudes or actions. We must move forward into the danger to receive the blessings of genuine friendship.
The Temptation to Hide Our Struggles
One of the biggest sources of betrayal, and one that pastors fear the most, is that their sin, if confessed to another person, will become public. Too often, pastors attempt to hide their sin from others in an attempt to protect the church, but their sin festers in the darkness and grows. Then, it bursts forth with destructive power that ends up bringing much greater disgrace and doing more damage to their lives than if they had brought their struggle to light in the first place.
Paul Tripp has written a number of excellent books. Two of my favorites are on pastoral ministry, Dangerous Calling, and Lead. Dangerous Calling lays out many of the challenges that pastors face in ministry. Lead is a follow-up to the first. Sadly, it came in the aftermath of Tripp’s experience entering into care for church leaders subsequent to the fall of a lead pastor. The need for Lead was highlighted by the fact that two of the endorsers of Dangerous Calling had been removed from pastoral leadership. The central tenant of Lead is the need for gospel community. Gospel community only exists when genuine relationships exist in the church when people are knowing and being known. This type of community can only exist in the church if it exists among the leaders of the church first.
It’s not just sin that takes pastors out of ministry. Suffering, especially suffering borne alone, can also sideline one from pastoral ministry. Galatians 6:2 encourages us to fulfill the law of Christ by bearing one another’s burdens. The immediate context certainly includes sin, but burdens include more than sin alone. Pastor, you are likely bearing the burdens of many but is anyone helping you bear your burdens?
Develop Allies in Your Life
Dangerous Calling emphasizes the difficulty and dangers of pastoral ministry. You need people in your life who know you and can help you bear the burdens of pastoring. Because the Christian life is a war, and pastors play significant roles in that war, you need allies. You need friends who fall into two categories of allies: Anchor Allies and Area Allies.
Many of us in ministry move from time to time. At different times in your ministry career, you may be far from home or anyone familiar. We need at least one person in our lives who has known us for the long haul—someone who has walked with us through thick and thin, knows us truly, and is willing and able to speak the truth in love to us in a way we will hear. These people are your Anchor Allies.
But You Need More
While Anchor Allies are good, they aren’t all we need. We also need people nearby who also know us. These people will see us on a regular basis. They watch how we interact with our kids and our spouse. They can look into our eyes, ask us how we are doing, see honest reactions, or detect hints of deception or guardedness. When you arrive in a new place, it will take time to discern who is trustworthy. Stay connected to your Anchor Ally, and lean on them more heavily in the early phases of a new ministry post. Once you find Area Allies, don’t cut loose from your Anchor Ally. You need to stay in contact with them for life. Be sure to connect your Anchor Allies to your Area Allies so you have an even stronger network of relationships to help you your entire life and ministry.
One thing to keep in mind about your allies is that they are friends first. No friendship can survive, let alone thrive, when it is built around sin, either participating in sin or focusing solely on fighting sin. You must have fun with your allies. You need to encourage one another. You need to develop each other theologically. You must celebrate your victories and successes together. YOU NEED TO BE FRIENDS!
Conclusion:
The threat of betrayal is serious and real. Fear of betrayal often leads pastors to isolate themselves and avoid genuine friendships. But genuine friendships are a necessary part of life for everyone, including pastors.
Questions:
- Have you ever felt betrayed in ministry? How did you handle it? What has the betrayal done to that relationship?
- How might you respond differently after reading this blog?
- Does anyone in your life know your current suffering and sin struggles? If not, why not? Can you identify potential Anchor and Area Allies?
©2024 Curtis Solomon. Used with permission.
About The Author
Curtis Solomon
Dr. Curtis Solomon is a Professor & Program Coordinator of Biblical Counseling at Boyce, The College at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He and his wife, Jenny, are the founders of Solomon SoulCare.