Walking with Pastors’ Kids When They’re Sad

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Pastors’ children aren’t immune to bouts of sadness just because they grow up around the church. And despite having vast experience shepherding and counseling God’s people, pastors and their wives don’t always have the answers or know what to do. Whatever the cause of a child’s sadness, feelings of grief and disappointment are real. When they come, kids need their parents’ love and support.

Ultimately, we want to point our children to the Lord and the comforting truths found in his Word about his character and promises, but we want to do this wisely. Just as with a grieving adult, if we rush right into a sensitive situation preaching a Bible verse to a child, there might not be ears to hear it. What’s more, even if a child professes faith in Christ, he or she probably doesn’t have the emotional or spiritual maturity of an older believer. So here’s a pattern I’ve found helpful for walking through sadness with children:

1. Sympathize with your child

Start by sympathizing with a sad child. We live in a fallen world, and because of sin, sadness, and tears are part of it (see Genesis 3). Even though we look forward to a future when there will be no more “mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore” (Revelation 21:4), that’s not where we live today. Today, things break, and we say goodbye to the people we love. It’s hard and messy, and we’re right to grieve when life looks different than what God originally designed (Matthew 5:4).

For medical reasons, two of my kids must eat a strictly gluten-free diet. Every time they see bread that looks and smells delicious, I could remind them how blessed they are to have so many gluten-free alternatives (which they do); however, that Pollyanna approach doesn’t acknowledge the real loss and disappointment they feel because their bodies don’t process gluten properly, and I’m learning that it’s better to acknowledge their sadness first. Putting my arms around them is better than saying, “I’m so sorry you can’t eat that.”

Paul wrote, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair” (2 Corinthians 4:8). It’s true. As followers of Christ, we’re not “crushed” in an ultimate sense because our Savior “was crushed for our iniquities” (Isaiah 53:5), and this is a gospel truth we want to teach our children. Even so, it’s important that we affirm the reality of their afflictions, perplexities, and other challenges. Then we can assure them that one way God cares for them is by setting limits and boundaries to their sorrows.

2. Show children Christ’s love

Isn’t it tempting to try to fix a child’s sadness? Moms are wired to soothe crying infants and wipe away toddler tears. As our children grow older, though, what they need (just as we do) isn’t the removal of all problems but to know Jesus, the Savior who came to rescue them from their greatest problem—sin.

Maybe a sibling has sinned against another. A child may experience sadness as the result of his own sinful behavior. Or, as already mentioned, life in a fallen world offers many reasons for sadness. Whatever the cause, the solution to sin and sadness is Jesus (1 Corinthians 15:3).

Yet our children can’t see or touch Jesus, and before children open their eyes spiritually to see who God is in his Word (Psalm 119:18), they see us, their parents. Maybe we can’t fix the problem, but we can demonstrate Christ’s love, though imperfectly.

Showing our children Christ’s love means listening patiently and seeking to understand them. It involves asking questions that get to the heart of matters rather than merely addressing outward behaviors. Maybe it’s staying with a child until she falls asleep to teach her that she’s not alone. This kind of love is sacrificial, putting the interests of a child above one’s own, and it’s humbling (Philippians 2:4-8). It also offers hope to a sad child.

3. Pray with (and for) your child

When our state shut down in 2020 because of COVID around my daughter’s birthday, we hosted a front yard party. Friends drove by and dropped off presents, and neighbors sang to her. Still, these attempts to show her love couldn’t erase her sadness. Everything still felt out-of-sync and confusing to her 7-year-old brain. We sympathized with her, comforted her, and sought to distract her, but it wasn’t enough.

As parents, we feel our limitations regarding our children’s sadness, and they remind us that only God is enough. Only the Lord’s grace is sufficient, and his “’ power is made perfect in weakness’” (2 Corinthians 12:9), but we have the privilege of turning to him in prayer. During COVID, and many other times before and since, I’ve “drawn near to the throne of grace” to “receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16), praying with and for my children.

When kids are sad, we lay comforting hands on them and pray Bible promises for them. We ask God to comfort and strengthen them, to help them believe what’s true. As we model prayer, we invite our children also to “pour out your heart before him” and find that “God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:8).

4. Lead children to God’s Word

While sadness may show up unexpectedly, it isn’t a surprise to God, and Scripture is full of promises to comfort and sustain the sad child. In Jesus, we discover a Savior who is familiar with sorrow and “acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3), someone who understands what they’re going through better than anyone else (Hebrews 2:17). Not only does Jesus understand, but he did something about it. Jesus defeated the power of sin and death, and he offers hope and healing to our sad hearts. So, at home as well as at church, pastors and their wives lead children to the Lord and his Word.

We lead gently as we sing Scripture songs and memorize verses together about God’s presence and compassion. We read around the table and before bed, pointing out promises that combat lies our children are tempted to believe. We remind each other of the gospel. We may not be able to stop or control the sadness, but in all these ways, we walk with our children through it, depending on the Lord together.

©2023, 2025 Katie Faris. All rights reserved. Used with permission.