a woman scrolls on her phone considering online dating

Is It Okay to Date Online?

Shannon’s crying. She’s sitting on your couch. She’s 35, and she’s desperate to be married. She’d move heaven and earth to tie herself to a godly man and start a family and a new future. She dislikes shopping at Costco alone or attending weddings by herself. And she dreads it when her aunt asks, “Anyone special in your life?” or even worse: “Do you still want to be married?”

You’re her pastor. You’ve given your life to gospel ministry. You’re in a church with plenty of families and almost no singles. Shannon committed herself to your congregation several years ago. The church loves her. She trusts God and walks through life with a vibrant faith. But no one has asked her out in several years. So she asks you, “Is it okay for me to try online dating?” What should you tell her as her pastor?

“No, forget it,” you could say with a stern look. “There are too many creepy guys in the online world.” You could shoot her question down without a second thought. And she would walk away discouraged because that was (in her mind) her last realistic option. Rather than dismiss her question, maybe there’s a more nuanced conversation you can have about the good and bad of online dating.

Let’s consider five questions about online dating. As a pastor, you could work through questions 1-4 anytime a single man or woman approaches you about online dating. Question 5 is meant to provoke you (as a pastor) to think more about the dating culture in your church.   

Question 1: Why not start with an emphasis on dating in your local church?   

Encourage believers to date in their local church. Why? Because they get a head start. Compare a couple who belongs to the same church with a couple who does not. The former shares important things that give them an advantage over other couples.  

If they’re members of the same church…

  • The couple believes in the same doctrine. They agree to the same statement of faith and the same nuances in doctrine. Theological agreement creates a solid foundation for a potential marriage. What we believe affects everything we do in life.
  • The couple agrees to the same ministry philosophy that defines what happens in church. What if he loves contemporary music and short, practical sermons, and she loves old hymns and long, meaty expositional sermons? That’s a substantial difference. But if they’re committed to the same church, they have similar convictions about what they want from the music and sermons.  
  • The couple shares the same community of people who know them, like pastors, small group leaders, and close friends. Dating in isolation is dangerous. The point of dating is to discern if you’re to get married or not. A dating couple moves toward a critical decision that will affect the rest of their life—should we get married or not? It’s terrible when singles decide this question on their own. If this couple shares a community of wise and godly advisors, it’ll help them to make sound decisions about their future.

Don’t let Shannon underestimate what she might get when she considers dating in her local church! It can be a much better option than online dating.

Question 2: When should Shannon consider online dating as a viable option?

Based on question 1, you know I favor Shannon dating in her church. But what if that doesn’t work out? Maybe no one in Shannon’s life has expressed interest, and no one in her church that’s available. Perhaps she’s waited patiently, not just for months, but for years. She may have never been asked out in all her years at the church. Or maybe she’s dated, but it’s not gone well because she goes out with immature men.  

She’s tried dating in her church, and nothing has worked out. Her life moves on, faster than she’d like. She doesn’t want to wrest control from God’s hands but also knows God provides other means than her local church. So, she thinks, “Maybe online dating?”

You (as her pastor) are open to the possibility because you see she’s been patient and faithful for years, but nothing is working out. She’s getting up there in age. And you, too, know that God can work through various means, like an online dating service.

No clear line defines when Shannon should enter the online dating world. Rather, it requires patience and godly counsel before she takes this step (Prov. 11:14; 24:6). Don’t let Shannon rush into online dating. Without abundant patience and counsel, a rushed approach leads to poor choices and heartache. If you take this step, be careful, prayerful, and wise.  

Question 3: What are the problems with online dating? 

Think carefully about the dangers. There are potholes in the road ahead. Consider one example of a potential problem: Shannon gets only a slice of the person’s life, not a person in context. In the initial stages, you only know this person through an online dating program. As the relationship progresses, you see them in person, but you still can’t view them in the context of the community. So they can hide what they don’t want you to see.

What might they be hiding? Maybe it’s a personality quirk that’s more obvious in group settings, like staring at other people, or a serious sin issue, like pornography or angry outbursts. What if there’s a divorce in their past, and they don’t want to show their cards just yet?  

Dating by yourself is like 1D—you can only see through one dimension as you get to know the other person. Dating in community is like 3D—you’ll get all kinds of information that create a more comprehensive and accurate picture of the person.

Tommy treated Charlotte terribly. He was rude and immature. He professed to be a Christian and attended the same church but didn’t live like a faithful believer. After a few months of turmoil, Charlotte talked things over with a few close friends (including Shannon) and realized she needed to break things off with Tommy. “Better to stay single and happy,” her friends told Charlotte, “than to get stuck in a terrible relationship for years.”

When Tommy asked Shannon out two weeks later, she knew enough to say no. He was tall, dark, and handsome, but he had the maturity of a 6-year-old. She desired marriage but wasn’t desperate enough to say yes to an obvious jerk.1 Seeing Tommy through a 3D lens and life in community saved Shannon from potential heartache.

Question 4: If Shannon chooses to date online, how can she do it well?  

To date well online, Shannon must aggressively get her church community involved. The rule of thumb is she and her potential boyfriend should be known in each other’s church communities from very early on.

Let’s say she meets Peter through a dating app. He’s a committed Christian who goes to a Bible-believing church. They email and text for two weeks. After a few phone calls, they go out on a date. It goes well. Shannon thinks, “He’s a solid Christian, and I like him a lot already.” After another few dates, ideally, Peter says: “Our relationship is great so far, but I don’t want to go too far down the road without getting others involved. Let’s have dinner with a few mutual Christian friends and see if we can also grab some time with our pastors.” He leads their relationship out of isolation and builds stronger connections with their church community. They’d sit down with people in both churches. Shannon would get to know Peter’s mentor, closest friends, and pastor. And Peter would do the same with the people in Shannon’s church.  

It’s a lot to ask, but if they surround themselves with godly counsel, they’ll make wiser decisions about their relationship and fend off many potential dangers that emerge in 1D, isolated dating (Prov. 18:1).

Question 5: How can I (as a pastor) cultivate a healthier dating culture in our church? 

Have you established a culture of healthy dating in your church? Don’t be passive about this, or singles will import many worldly practices into your church’s dating culture. Seek to teach sound biblical principles and offer lots of godly wisdom.

Maybe consider teaching on singleness and dating in your church. Expect pushback and lots of questions. People assume the Bible has little to say about dating. But it has an abundance of wisdom to impart. Prioritize dating in the same church, dating only Christians, and dating in a way that demonstrates the fruits of the Spirit and maturity.

So what will you say when Shannon asks, “What about online dating?” 

Don’t dismiss her question. Give her sound advice explaining the challenges, problems, and wise pathways forward. When you do that, you’ll honor Christ in how you shepherd Shannon and the other singles in your church.  

For more information on this topic, be sure to visit boundless.org by Focus on the Family. The Boundless community exists to help you navigate the young adult years with biblical wisdom and intention.

©2023 Deepak Reju. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

  1. As a pastor, encourage women in your church not to settle for an immature man. If there are obvious red flags—like he’s very immature, or he doesn’t go to church (even though he says, “I’m a Christian”), or he treats his mother poorly, or he doesn’t show any evidence of desiring to follow Christ—then tell them not to give this man a first date! ↩︎

About The Author

Deepak Reju
Deepak Reju

Deepak Reju serves as the pastor of biblical counseling and family ministry at Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, DC. Deepak is the author of the book, Pornography (P & R).

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