The Puritans on Marriage

The lives of the Puritans at home demonstrate Puritan theology in action. Their views on family life were biblical, positive, and lavish. They deepened and broadened the legacy of the Reformers in retrieving a biblical vision for family life lost amid the corruption of the medieval Roman Catholic Church. What the Puritans wrote about family life was the result of carefully exegeting and applying God’s Word to all of life.

The Puritans on marriage

The Puritans believed that God’s purposes in marriage are partnership (mutual comfort, support, and encouragement), procreation (childbearing and child-rearing), and purity (preventing adultery and fornication through joyful intimacy within marriage). The Puritans grounded marriage on two major scriptural principles: the Christ-church principle and the covenantal principle. These principles were the primary factors behind the orderliness, stability, and happiness of Puritan marriages.

First, the Puritans believed that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church (Eph. 5:32). In his classic work entitled On Domestical Duties, William Gouge describes how God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, while wives must show reverence and submission to their husbands as the church does to Christ. 

The husband’s headship over his wife parallels Christ’s headship over His church (Eph. 5:23). In imitating Christ’s love for the church, the husband must love his wife absolutely (v. 25), purposefully (v. 26), realistically (v. 27), and sacrificially (vv. 28–29). Gouge wrote that the Christian husband must exercise a “true, free, pure, exceeding, constant love” to his wife.¹

For the Puritans, submission was not so much a matter of hierarchy as of function. Though the Puritans expected a wife to submit to her husband’s authority, the husband’s hierarchical headship did not imply that his wife was his servant. They understood that male authority was a charge to responsibility, not a ticket to privilege. Biblical headship is servant leadership (1 Peter 3:7). A husband demonstrates such leadership in tangible, consistent, and sacrificial provision and protection.

God calls the wife, on the other hand, to respect her husband and submit to him—that is, to yield her will to him, short of disobeying God. She should help her husband (Gen. 2:18) — manage the household, steward financial resources, and care for the children. She should emulate the Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 woman and the noble examples of female piety in Scripture, such as the lives of Ruth and Esther. 

The Puritans believed both husband and wife should focus on their duties rather than their spouse’s failures. God requires husbands and wives to perform their duties toward their spouses unconditionally—no matter whether their spouse is fulfilling their duties well.

Second, the Puritans taught that marriage is a covenant (Mal. 2:14). Both husband and wife should enter the marriage covenant freely, voluntarily, and joyfully. Upon entering this covenant, God demands unconditional love and faithfulness for life. Divorce and remarriage for the Puritans was only permissible for the non-fornicating spouse whose spouse lives impenitently in adultery or desertion (Matt. 19:9).  

The Puritans wrote that the foundational duty of marriage is love. Believers must not pursue marriage to unbelievers, for then they would be unequally yoked. Marital love must be rooted in a Christ-centered foundation and cemented with the mutual use of the means of grace. Husbands and wives must rejoice in humbly worshiping God at church and in their homes. They must read the Scriptures, sing psalms, observe the Sabbath, and partake of the sacraments together. They must pray for and with each other. 

Marital love must also be superlative, such that both husband and wife love each other so dearly that both believe that the other is “the only fit and good match that could be found under the sun for them,” as William Whately writes.²

Finally, marital love must be sexual so that both marital partners can give themselves fully to each other with joy and exuberance in a healthy relationship marked by fidelity. The Puritans viewed sex within marriage as a gift of God and an essential, enjoyable part of marriage. Gouge says that husbands and wives should cohabit “with good will and delight, willingly, readily, and cheerfully.”³

The Puritans taught that husband and wife must be faithful to each other and help each other in every conceivable way, including seeking each other’s spiritual growth, healing each other’s faults, and steering each other away from sin. They must pray for one another, compliment one another, appreciate one another, show kindness, and overlook each other’s minor faults. They must cultivate friendship and take an interest in each other. They must be sympathetic to each other in times of distress, sickness, and weakness. And they must promote each other’s reputation, never speaking ill of each other in the presence of others. 

The Puritans on parenting

The Puritans believed that children are gifts from God through whom believers are to serve the family, the church, and the state (Ps. 127:3). The Puritans viewed their families as nurseries for both church and society. 

The Puritans regarded the headship of husbands and fathers as a biblical command. They expected men to exercise spiritual, social, and educational leadership for their wives and children and provide adequate financial support.

The Puritans believed that child-rearing begins at conception. Prospective parents should pray daily for their child’s salvation since the child was conceived in sin (Ps. 51:5). They stressed that children must be trained early in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The salvation and godliness of children is the primary purpose of their education. For example, the Puritans catechized their children. The goal was not simply a well-stocked head but also a warm appreciation of the truths of God in mind and soul so that the child would lead a holy life. The Puritans taught that example is the most powerful teacher. Richard Greenham wrote, “Experience teaches us that children learn more by countenance, gesture, and behaviour than by rule, doctrine, precept, or instruction.”⁴

The Puritans taught that family worship is the most powerful means of child-rearing. Puritan families gathered for worship once or twice every day. Times of family worship included prayer, Scripture reading, instruction, and psalm singing. 

Discipline was an essential part of child-rearing for the Puritans. Reproof plus the rod gives wisdom, the Puritans said. Spanking must be measured according to the offense committed and done in a timely manner, with love, compassion, prayer, and self-control. The Puritans steered a balanced course between harshness and leniency in corporal discipline. 

Finally, the Puritans taught that children should welcome their parents’ help in making major life decisions like choosing a career or marriage partner.

From conception to marriage, therefore, parents were thoroughly involved in their children’s lives. In every area, the parental task was to lead children to God and to do His will. Puritan parents prayerfully awaited God’s blessing in their endeavors. 

The Puritans for today

This brief survey of the Puritans’ view of family life allows us to see how Puritan theology helps us bring all of life under the rule of Christ through submission to Scripture. By following God’s Word, we can be salt and light in a corrupt world increasingly dominated by familial and societal breakdown. By God’s grace, may we, as pastors and parishioners, pursue a biblical vision for family that will bring glory to our triune God for time and eternity.

©2023 Joel R. Beeke. Used with permission

1. William Gouge, Of Domestical Duties (Pensacola, FL: Puritan Reprints, 2006), 31. ↩︎
2. William Whately, A Bride-Bush or a Wedding Sermon (Norwood, N.J.: Walter J. Johnson, 1975), 8. ↩︎
3. Quoted in Leland Ryken, Worldly Saints: The Puritans As They Really Were (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1986), 44. ↩︎
4. Quoted in Leland Ryken, Worldly Saints: The Puritans as They Really Were (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1986), 83. ↩︎